If the Tooth Fairy existed, she’d owe me about three grand for this one.  Bitch. 

Okay, so in November, Rich and I went to the movies, and we got one of those coupons for cheap candy.  In this case, it was Milk Duds for a dollar.   That’s right, movie candy for a dollar.  I’m not stupid (or am I?  We shall see), so yeah, I got the Milk Duds.  The problem here is my teeth.  I had Scarlet Fever when I was three, and it really messes with your whole system.  This is the disease Helen Keller had which caused her deafness and blindness.  Luckily for me, we had antibiotics in the early seventies.  However, I have a heart murmur because of it.  I also have practically no enamel on my teeth.  Obviously I had baby teeth when I had Scarlet Fever, but your permanent teeth are there, developing, and mine got to develop with super thin enamel.  So the end of that story is that I have had five root canals and have five crowns even though I brush and floss constantly in addition to using all sorts of stuff to help out my poor teeth.  Now I know I’ve heard at least one dentist mention that I shouldn’t eat things like Milk Duds and other sticky stuff with my crowns.  And this is where whether I am stupid or not comes into play.  I am either very dumb or very stubborn because I knew I shouldn’t eat the Milk Duds, and yet I did.  One crown came right off, and another one loosened up.  This was all in the same bite.

I went to the dentist, and he stuck the one crown back on, and the other he said should be removed (including tooth.  Including tooth!  I’m sorry, you’ve seen my Wee Me – I am not a witch from MacBeth or Snow White.  I have nice looking teeth, even the crowned ones!  I am NOT losing a tooth, are you freaking kidding me with that shit???).  He wanted to do an implant.  He warned me that if I didn’t let him pull the poor tooth, the crown would eventually fall off, and it would take most of the tooth with it because it was infected (and I couldn’t tell because there was no pain because of the root canal).  So, and here I am being dumb again, I had a bit of a nervous breakdown, went into total denial, and I didn’t go back to see him again.

Fast forward three months.  Last night we were getting ready to go see Pan’s Labyrinth.  I was eating a bagel, and then I was chewing a crown.  Well, you really only chew once, and you immediately realize something is very wrong.  Fuckity fuck fuck!!!  I ran upstairs to my bathroom and rinsed everything out.  It wasn’t very bloody, but it was definitely gross.  What is left of my tooth (and I would estimate that the damn crown took about 90% of my tooth with it – I hate it when dentists are right) is so nasty looking.  It’s mottled brown.  Oh dear God, the shame.  I cannot even begin to tell you how awful it looks.  We won’t go into the infectious taste/smell.  That subsided after much rinsing, brushing, and Listerine-ing.

Eating is interesting now.  I had oatmeal with banana in it for breakfast.  Oatmeal bits kept creeping over to that side of my mouth, working their way into the hole where my tooth used to be.  I had a PB&J for lunch, and it’s the same thing.  I don’t get it.  I’m chewing on the left side only, and food keeps wandering over to the right.  It’s as if my former tooth were being stalked.

I’m calling the dentist first thing in the morning.  It’s official – I will be a toothless hillbilly soon.  Ugh, it makes my stomach hurt to think of it.  If nothing else, I better get some good drugs out of this.  They gave my mom Halcyon, so there is real hope for that!

As a side note, Pan’s Labyrinth was beyond awesome!