My next door neighbor is an illegal waterer.  We’re currently only allowed to water on Thursdays and not between 10 am and 6 pm.  He’s watering every night around nine o’clock, so of course the city guy isn’t around to see.  It pisses me right off because even though we’ve had a ton of rain lately, our area is still technically in a drought.  At least according to city officials anyway, and that’s only because our lake that’s like five minutes from here is still down two feet.  All the other lakes in the area are normal or above.  Personally I think they’re full of crap about our lake, but hey, I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry.  Anyway, until the restrictions are lifted, I think you have to follow them.  They’re in place for a reason!

Okay, so onto the break-up story.  It’s really weird because I’m not even sure what prompted it.  We were getting ready to watch an episode of “Planet Earth”, and then we somehow got into lecture number 857 entitled “Things You Do That Don’t Please Me” by Now-Ex-Boyfriend.  Amongst the many things I don’t do right are 1) I don’t cook often enough, and when I do it, it’s not because I love him and want him to eat.  No, rather it is because I’m hungry.  Not true – it’s because it’s dinnertime and we’re both hungry.  But whatever – what difference does it make why a person cooks if the end result is the same; there is food on the table, now come and eat!  And when I don’t cook, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him or my son.  It just means I didn’t cook.  Somebody else can cook, and by somebody, I mean Ex-Boyfriend.  He actually likes to cook.  I hate cooking.  Hate it!  I love to bake though.  Or we could eat out or order in or fend for ourselves.  Cooking does not equal love. 

Reason 2)  I am technically a stay-at-home mom even though I don’t have custody.  I still see my son every day and pick him up from either school or my mom’s house every day except Tuesdays when he goes to his other grandmother’s house.  Because of that, Ex-Boyfriend thinks I should actually stay at home all day.  No ice dancing, no lunches with friends, no bookstore browsing or whatever.  No, I should stay at home and clean and cook all fucking day.  What is this, 1950?  Am I June Cleaver?  I think not! 

Reason 3)  He felt like he came in second to ice dancing which is something I do during the day while he’s at work (oops, instead of staying home doing the cooking and cleaning).  But oh no, I had the unmitigated gall to sometimes talk about what I did at the rink, so that must place him second.  Now, I never felt like I came in second to hockey even when I had to listen to a play-by-play of a very bad hockey game!  I listened to him because he was passionate about it, and I cared about him, and therefore I cared enough to listen.  That did not work both ways.  He was also desperately jealous of Duke.  Um, Duke is 23 and he’s my coach.  I absolutely love the time I spend with him, but not in a romantic way.  I have a ton of fun with him too.  Yes, I have to hold hands with him, and yes, we do dance very closely (it’s supposed to be navel to navel, but we haven’t achieved that yet as I find it a violation of my personal space!  Have to get over that one!).  But you have to!  It’s how it works!  Have you ever seen ice dancers or ballroom dancers or any kind of partnered dancers not touch?  Ridiculous!

Reason 4) And this is the one where I will admit fault.  He said I wasn’t as touchy-feely with him anymore.  For example, I didn’t lay on the couch with him anymore to watch a movie.  There is a reason behind that though.  His furniture is what ended up in the family room.  It’s black leather bachelor slippery and yet sticky yuck.  Not comfy, and not wide and roomy like my couches on which I was always happy to cuddle.  So anyway, black leather made me un-cuddly.  Maybe I should’ve put my personal comfort aside to make him happier in the closeness department.

Reason 5) I didn’t walk around in sexy little thongs and heels nearly often enough (read: really ever.  So uncomfortable!).  Okay, I realize they wouldn’t be on for long, but hey, is it not enough for me to just take off my regular clothes?  I guess not.  I suppose he needed me to walk around like a complete harlot to turn him on.  Yuck.  Am I June Cleaver or a whore?  Really, which one?  Fuck dude, I’m confused!  I think perhaps all the porn plus his saint of a mother had him confused too.

So that’s the high points of the reasons for the break-up.  He went on to say that our lack of intimacy wasn’t helping (hang on there, not my fault – I’ve been having all those problems with the breakthrough bleeding, though that’s pretty much under control now that my doctor switched the kind of b.c. I am on.  However, if there had been one droplet of blood anytime in the past 24 hours, he wouldn’t touch me!  Or he was tired from work or hockey, or I was tired from skating or running.  Or I hadn’t paraded around in slutwear.  Or I hadn’t shaved that day.  He doesn’t like hair at all, not that I blame him.  Stubble is gross.  However, he was very demanding about the circumstances under which he would have sex.  It made me feel unappealing if I wasn’t all “perfect”.  So we hadn’t had sex in a couple of weeks.  However, we had not five minutes before decided we were going to have some sex!  Ironic!!!  And needless to say, that didn’t happen.)  I suggested that there were steps we could take to remedy all that, like going on dates again.  Our last real date had been when we went to see “Pan’s Labyrinth” in February.  Hello!  February!!!  Plus he yelled at me that night for being upset about my tooth that had just broken.  Well, excuse me!  Hunh, I feel anger coursing through me at the moment.  What an asshole!

Anyway, I was sick and tired of the lectures and not being good enough.  I told him I wasn’t going to sit around on pins and needles waiting for him to decide (again!  This was the fourth time this happened) if he wanted to be with me.  He needed to decide then what the answer was.  He said, “I guess it’s over then.”

Fine by me!  I cannot even tell you how much more relaxed the munchkin and I have been since he left.  I just wish he’d hurry up and get the rest of his shit out of here so I wouldn’t have to look at it anymore.  And you know, I’m not bitter over men about this.  I know this particular one is a great big git who wants to live in a sanitized perfectly clean and ordered little world (makes it very hard to have a boy and a dog!) except for when it comes to sex, in which case, the dirtier the better.  I don’t need that.  I want somebody who’s willing to live a real life!  I still love men.  They’re generally cute and funny and nice to be around.  I love hugs from them too.  That said, I’m waiting until after next Valentine’s Day before I start dating again.  I want to make sure I’m right in the head because I clearly wasn’t if I was willing to live with a person such as Ex-Boyfriend.  He didn’t make me feel good about myself.  That should’ve been enough for me to end it ages ago.  But I know better now!

One of the funnier things that has happened out of all this was his reaction to my new furniture.  I moved my couch and chair and a half from the formal living room to the family room.  Then I decided I needed more seating, so I got these two chairs from Target.  They flank the fireplace, and they look really good in here.  So now there’s enough seating in my family room for my whole family when they come to visit.  It’s all good!  I also had to get end tables because the ones that were in here before were his.  In addition, my ex-husband gave me his old patio set because he was getting a new one, plus our old couch and loveseat which he had in storage.  I slipcovered those and got some pillows and throws, etc.  Well, ex-boyfriend has been over here twice, and twice he’s asked where I got the money to do all that (ack!  MYOB!!!) and why didn’t I do that kind of stuff when we were together (because we didn’t need furniture, and plus he made me feel so insecure about choices I wanted to make that I wouldn’t have out of fear of what he might say).  I simply said it was because we didn’t need furniture.  I refused to answer the money question (all I have to say is I love love love Target!), but I’m glad it looks like it’s out of my price range to him.  That makes me go “haha sucka”!  Not very mature, I know.  I also don’t care.

One last note to a very long post: I really knew I should’ve either broken up with him or let him carry on with one of his previous break-ups with me when my son, mom, and sister were all obviously happy about this.  It made me feel a little bit dumb, but at the same time, I’m glad I’m not imagining the asshole factor.