So I woke up this morning and went downstairs to let the dog out of his crate (he sleeps in it, isn’t he good?  You may want to wait to answer that) and let him outside.  As soon as I opened my bedroom door, I knew something was very, very wrong.  Mmm-hmm, stench.  I got to the kitchen, and there was Magnus in his crate of poo.  Every surface, every toy, his bed, his blanket, and the dog himself was covered in liqui-poo.  He had an assplosion of biblical proportions.  Not only was all that other stuff covered, but the poo had spilled outside the crate and was on my kitchen floor.  I believe I’ve mentioned before how I feel about kitchen cleanliness – yeah, mine needs to be washed in kerosene now.

 Anyway, I got the dog outside and went about cleaning the crate.  A smart person would’ve said, “Hey, I ought to take this crate outside and go after it with a hose.”  Well, you know what?  I hadn’t had caffeine yet, so I thought, “Hey, I just have to get on my hands and knees with a trash bag, dog bath wipes, dog accident spray, and paper towels.”  I’m very sorry for all the trees I unnecessarily used up on dog poo today.  I feel really bad about that.  It had to be at least a zillion.  I am so dumb!  Yeah, so rather than using a hose for five minutes, I was on the floor for almost an hour and I single-handedly destroyed half a rain-forest.  I’m going to hell.

Meanwhile, the dog is launching himself at the back door which is one of those doors that’s like ninety percent glass.  I was pretty sure I was going to have a dead dog by the end of the morning.  KABLAM!!!  Sit and pant.  Back up.  Launch.  KABLAM!!!  It was pretty disconcerting.  Um, oh yeah, he was also barking and crying.  This was apparently just too much for me because I ended up in a heap on the floor with my paper towels and dog accident spray, trying to clean poo out of the tile grout, crying hysterically and hyperventillating.  Me, hysterical over poo.  I have a kid.  I have cleaned up some disgusting bodily fluids (freshly puked parmesan is a smell that ought to be reserved for people like, gosh, I can’t think of anyone rotten enough.  Oh, OJ Simpson.  Okay).  I have never, ever cried like a two year old over cleaning up gross stuff.  You just do it and get on with your day.  Nope, not today.  I just couldn’t deal with this first thing in the morning.  It was a lot of shit.  Really, a lot!

The crate was finally cleaned to my satisfaction (for now – I think this weekend it’s going outside for a good general bath), and it was on to the toys and bed and blanket.  Anything that could be washed has been through the washer five times on hot.  So put me down for hellacious enviromental behavior in the category of water-and-energy-wastage too.  Fuck!  I hate it when I have to be bad like that.  Magnus’s bed was a loss.  There was just no way to clean it.  He was about twenty pounds too heavy for it, but he’s a Lab and therefore thinks he weighs seven, so he was still using it.  He doesn’t like his big-boy bed so much.

Okay, so the reason he had so much poo was his tummy is still upset from being boarded.  He seems fine now – he has lots of energy and his appetite is fine, but holy crap, has he ever got the farts!  Ack.  Gaggers.  I just wish he would’ve cried or barked or something so I would’ve known he needed to go outside before the whole incident.  Actually, I’m assuming he didn’t because I’m a light sleeper, and I feel like I would’ve heard it.  We’ve never had this situation before though.  Maybe he just didn’t know what to do.  Poor puppy!  Eeewww, maybe he did cry and I didn’t hear it and I’m the worst dog-mommy ever.  Oh, I hope not!!!

In other news, I got the call that my new skates have arrived in town (I texted my coach with this “Oh my gosh guess what jamie called and my skates are here and my fitting is saturday and i’m all excited and squeeeee!”).  As you may ascertain, I’m quite thrilled about this.  Seriously, when Jamie called and told me, I about fell off my seat.  And I was driving (*lectures self for talking and driving* but self answers back with “I was at a stoplight!”), so falling off my seat was really impressive.  I didn’t expect them for at least another month.  I must have been first in line when the Harlick people got back from vacation.  My order went in the day before they left.  So yeah, I’m a spazz.  I’m a little nervous too though.  I’ve never had dance blades before or a dance heel lift, so my weight will be distributed differently.  I’ve been such a mess all summer though that, you know, what the hell?  Why not get all the messy ugly stuff out of the way now?  I just hope I don’t make too much of an ass out of myself. 

Oh, and I almost forgot – I have my first ballroom lesson on Tuesday, yay!  It’s at Arthur Murray, so I wonder if they’ll have those funny little feet diagrams.  I’m such a dork that I would love that.

Note to WordPress again:  Spellcheck is not working though it did for one minute sometime last week.  Plz halp!!!