My mom is coming over tomorrow to babysit me after my dental work (and drive me to and from since I’ll be googly-fucked on Halcion), so I was cleaning.  She instilled in me very early the family value of “If you don’t clean when your parents are coming over, it means you don’t care about your family.”  We’re twisted, it’s true.  She used to get diarrhea for like two weeks before her parents came to visit because they freaked her out so much.  I was in the powder room when I noticed a puddle of pee around the toilet.  At first I was going to blame the dog, but I keep that door closed all the time so he won’t eat my stupid Longaberger baskets (it’s a cult – don’t drink the purple koolaid!).  I know I didn’t pee all over the floor.  I’m a clutz, but dang, I would be really impressed with myself if I could miss like that.  So I called the only suspect left, my munchkin.

Me:  Um, I have a really weird question to ask you.  When you went to the bathroom at my house, how exactly did you go?

Munchkin:  I sat down because the dog was in there with me and I didn’t want him to drink my pee.

Me:  Okay.  Please don’t do that anymore.  Just don’t let the dog in there with you, and then you can stand like normal.

Munchkin:  Why?

 Me:  Because you missed.  I guess you were pointed sideways or something because there’s pee all over my floor.  I’m going to have to clean your pee.

Munchkin:  Oh, sorry.

“Oh, sorry.”  That’s all I get is “Oh, sorry”???  I guess it would’ve been a bit much to ask for his dad to bring him over here to clean it himself since it is a forty minute round trip, but no, “Oh, sorry” does not cut it when I’m on my hands and knees cleaning a 12-year-old boy’s pee.  Urgh!  On the bright side, it wasn’t the dog, so his housebreaking is holding up.  And on another bright side, my house is pretty clean now, so I feel good about that.  Part of the cleaning did involve shoving a pile of papers that need to be filed or shredded into a drawer, but hey, what my mom can’t see isn’t there.  Hopefully she doesn’t snoop while I’m knocked out! 

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