October 2007


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That’s Kim on the left, Jason in the middle, and me on the right.  Kim said we had to look stoic.  I’m just trying not to laugh.  Kim got to keep her real hair since it’s dark, but Jason and I had to wear wigs since we’re blondies.  We couldn’t get my wig all the way down my giant pumpkin Rosie O’Donnell head, so we had to color in my hair on the sides with eyebrow pencil.  That was messy since I forgot about it and didn’t wash it out before bed.  It was all over my pillowcase.  I also got in trouble for not putting nearly enough white goo on my face, but since I break-out like a teenager and am already the color of paste, I thought this was enough.

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That’s Kim and Jason by themselves.  I can’t figure out how to flip the picture over.  I suck.

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The three of us full-length.  Again with the inability to flip photos.

Hunh, well, this sucks.  I was going to put in a picture of us at the brunch the next day to prove we can put on everyday make-up, but for some reason, it won’t upload.  Bastards!!!

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Or perhaps I just became a Longaberger home consultant.  Yep, either way, I drank the Kool-Aid.  God help me.  I’m also an Arbonne consultant, and I imagine that the Longaberger thing will work the same way – my customers will be me, my mom, and my sister.  Why branch out and actually try to make any money?  Personally, I like to come in last in all sales, goals, etc.  That way, some woman who really does give a shit but who sucks ass at sales can come in second to last.  That’ll make her day.  See what I do for people?  Surely this will get me into heaven (assuming I’m forgiven for conspicuous consumption of baskets and eye cream).

We had our Fakesgiving this weekend (lots of people thought I was Canadian when I told them about our early Thanksgiving, but no, I am not – theirs was a week earlier).  It was actually lots of fun.  The food was beyond awesome. 

Besides stuffing myself silly, I got to go to two parties.  One was Friday night, and was at my sister’s house.  It was Game Night with Jason’s friends.  I played this game on the PS3 which involved being an amoeba and eating stuff.  It was very relaxing.  The second party was the Halloween party which we dressed up as geishas for.  I have pictures but haven’t put them on the computer yet.  Actually, I haven’t loaded the software on the computer, and I can’t do it on my laptop because it doesn’t have a disk reader thingee.  So I’ll have to do it on the upstairs computer, and that’ll take motivation.  I have none at the moment, so eh, maybe tomorrow.

The people who had the Halloween party (I’ll call them Jim and Andrea) were really into Halloween.  There wasn’t a surface in their house untouched by a decoration.  They also made a haunted house in their garage.  After many arguments, I finally got Kim to agree to go in it with me.  Andrea told us, “You don’t control the flashlight.  It controls you.”  I had no idea what she meant until we got in there and our light would randomly shut off.  We’d keep walking, the light would turn back on, and we’d be surrounded by heads hanging from the ceiling (or arms or what looked like police batons.  I’m not sure what the fear factor is there, unless you happen to be like me and have an irrational fear of cops taking you to prison where you won’t have access to tweezers.  Unacceptable!)  We laughed and laughed through the whole thing.  Well, it was more like we’d scream, then laugh, then scream, then laugh again.  By the time we went through, we’d also met most of the people at the party so we knew who it was jumping out at us.  That kept the freaking out to a minimum.

Anyway, Andrea the hostess was really nice but also very odd.  She took me and Kim into her office and showed us all these pictures of herself when she was younger and 50 pounds lighter.  Kim said that Andrea always does this.  She gets drunk, and then it’s like “Glory Days”.  The pictures were beautiful though.  She could’ve been a pin-up girl in the forties.  She had that kind of face and figure.  I also saw a picture of Andrea’s mother who apparently was a Bond girl back in the day, but I can’t figure out who she was.  I only saw one picture of her and it was dark, but I gotta say, she was stunning.  Kim also said that Andrea doesn’t like going to other people’s houses.  She’ll have all the parties in the world at her own house, but if she has to go to someone else’s house, she won’t talk.  At all, which was shocking to me because she talked ninety to nothin’ at her own party.  She went up to the guest room at Kim’s house and slept during one of my sister’s parties.  I was like, “Why go then?”  I mean, if you don’t want to go, and you’re going to pull a dumbass stunt like that, then just don’t go.  I asked Kim if Andrea felt bad that night or something, and she was like, “No, that’s just what she does.  She’s weird.”

I managed not to gain any weight over the weekend.  I’m not sure how, but yay.  Today I discovered a new drink at Starbucks.  It’s just a regular ol’ Caffe Latte (soy, of course), but it saves me 80 calories of flavored syrup.  It’s not bad at all.  I put a couple of Splenda packets in it after I tried it, but I could’ve had it without.  I was just in the mood for something sweet.  What I’d really like is some candy corn, but that’s not gonna happen.  There’s not any in the house, and I’m not going out!

Okay, it’s laundry time.  Maybe I’ll install that software while I’m up there.  We’ll see!

I got this from www.avitable.com.  I hope my spacing works for once. 

 1. I’m sure we all know what your name is… so, tell us your boss’s name.
My boss is my coach, so D.

2. Do you actually read your friend’s surveys, or do you just copy paste them and fill them out yourself?
I love to read these things!

3. Which is your favorite episode of “I Love Lucy”?
Oh gosh, I can’t remember a specific one I liked best, but I do remember one where Lucy was dancing at Ricky’s club and I noticed what great legs she had.  It was such a revelation to me because (and please forgive the arrogance of my youth) at the time, I didn’t think “old people” could have nice legs.  Ouch.  I didn’t like the episodes where they moved to the country.

4. Tell us your favorite conspiracy theory:
TWA 800 was shot down by friendly fire during a military training exercise.  I do believe this.

5. Do you consider yourself a deep thinker?
Depends on what day it is and my mood.  Occasionally I’ll read a “deep thinker” book so other people might think I’m actually not such a ding-dong.

6. Name three people who you are closest friends with.
My sister Kim, Anjelica, and D.  These are people I can tell just about anything to and not worry what they’ll think of me.  The other Kim that I used to be so-called BFF with, I couldn’t tell her anything real.  Not so much the close friend!

7. Which one of those three people would you eat first, if you were starving?
Not my sister!  She’d kick my ass!!!

8. How many red shirts would you say you own, off the top of your head?
Four.  One’s a softball jersey, one’s a skating shirt, and two are plain red shirts – one has a v-neck and the other has a scoop neck.  Wait, I forgot I have a red oxford.  Oh, and an OU t-shirt.  I’m pretty sure there are others.  There’re a few red sweaters too.  I like red.

9. No one cares whether or not you believe in love at first sight… but, do you believe in hate at first sight?
Hell yeah I do.  I’m usually right about those people and wrong about the love at first sight ones.  But maybe I continue not liking the person just ‘cos I have a preconceived notion of not liking them.  Very chicken and egg.

10. If you said yes to the last question, do you think that the reason you are so hateful and judgemental is because you didn’t receive enough love when you were a child?
<<<You’re the stupid fucker who misspelled “judgmental”. Go suck a tailpipe.>>>  I didn’t write that last bit – the avitable guy did, but I had to leave it.  Personally, I think the reason I’m hateful is because of television.  The biting humor has made me mean.  It’s like they’ve made it okay to be catty because so many people on tv are.  I try to keep most of my comments in my head or here though.  When I’m mean to people in real life, I immediately regret it and fall all over myself apologizing.

11. How old will you be in 2021?
Oh gosh, it’s 2007 now, so 37 plus 14 equals … a number I refuse to write down.  I’ll be 27.  That sounds about right.

12. Would you rather be tone deaf or color blind?
Considering my vocal talents, I think I’m already tone deaf.

13. When do you think is the proper time in a relationship to give the other person your business card?
I hate business cards with a passion.  So never.  Besides, it’s so much easier to just put someone in your cell phone.  Business cards are for business people, and I’m not one of those.

14. When you were a kid, which comic strip was your favorite?
Peanuts when I was very little.  Calvin and Hobbes later.

15. You can only wear a sock on one foot for the rest of your life… which foot do you choose to wear it on?
My right foot since it’s a half size smaller than my left.  I’ll need it to fill in the extra space in all my right shoes.  But my poor left foot will freeze at night.

16. How many words can you make out of the letters of your name?
Not many since I have three e’s and two consonants (Renee).

17. How do you feel about fake plants?
It’s a pain in the ass to blow dry the dust off of them.  Also, my dog eats the fake moss or whatever that shit is in the pot.

18. What is your obsessive compulsion?
I have to check the alarm clock at least three times before I feel like it’s really set.

20. Do you know what the heck the difference is between the statements “we’re just dating” and “we’re together”?
I would say dating means there’s a possibility that the asshole you’re dating is seeing other people and thinks it’s okay.  Together means it’s just the two of you.

21. When you think, do you see the words that you are thinking in your mind, as if they were being written down?
No.  Sometimes when I’m falling asleep though, I see pages out of novels in my head.  I get really pissed when I get into the book and I can’t turn the page that’s burned in my brain.

22. If a person is brought up speaking both Spanish and English in equal amounts and equally fluently, which language do they think in?
Well, now, there’s a pick ’em.  My French teacher used to say you were fluent in a language when you began to dream in it.  So I asked my friend Lu who is from Cancun about it.  She said she got totally freaked the first time she dreamed in English, and that now she dreams in English when she’s dreaming about stuff here, and she dreams in Spanish when she’s dreaming about stuff there.  So I guess we’d have to ask this pretend person from the question what language they dream in.

23. Does it make you uncomfortable when people ask you your shoe size?
No, but I’m not a dude.

24. Would you feel guilty about cheating on your taxes if you got away with it?
Gosh yes!  I feel a little guilty thinking about it in a hypothetical sense.

25. You are walking on the beach when suddenly you find a genie lamp. You rub it, and out pops the genie. He proclaims that he is so thankful to you for letting him out after thousands of years that he gives you three wishes. What do you think he did to occupy his time while stuck in that lamp for so long?…
I think he probably jerked off a lot.  And I think while he was rubbing one out, he would worry that someone would pick that moment to pick up the lamp and rub it.

26. If you had braces, would you put little diamonds on your brackets and call them your “grill”?
Uh, no.  I didn’t even put different colored rubber bands on mine.  I prefer my diamonds in the form of earrings, thank you very much.

27. You have 24 hours to live… what are you going to wear?!?!?
Flannel jammies.  And then I’d go skate.

28. Which is worse… someone blowing cigarette smoke in your face, or kissing someone who has dip in their mouth?
The dip, definitely the dip.  Gaggers!

29. Had you ever answered any of these questions before?
No, but the avitable guy took away number nineteen because he’d answered it before.

I was doing pretty good this week, diet-wise.  I think at one point I had mentioned that I was supposed to lose three pounds while my coach was out of town, and he comes back on Monday.  Since I hadn’t lost anything (and in fact had gained two, oink oink), I thought I ought to get on task.  I managed to lose three pounds this week, but since I was up two, it was really only a loss of one.  So what do I do?  Do I go, “Great!  That’s a good start,” and keep going with the good behavior?  Noooooooo, not me!  I go, “Awesome!  Now I can eat!”  Stupid.  Stoooooopid!

I think it would’ve been fine if I had taken a bar or something to the rink, knowing I was skating an extra session today.  Nah, I’m not that smart.  I only got halfway through the extra session when I had to stop.  My legs were shaky, I was starving, and if I stayed any longer I was probably going to hurt myself.  So I left and popped into Starbucks.  This is fine as long as I don’t eat anything more than 100 calories with my coffee, meaning wait until I get home and have a banana or some grapes or something.  I didn’t do that though.  I ordered one of their chocolate chunk cookies which are good, but quite frankly, not as good as mine (though I can’t make mine right now because I don’t need the temptation of raw cookie dough).  You know how many calories are in one of those cookies?  380!!!  Unfuckingbelievable.  I just found that out.  I seriously wouldn’t have eaten it if I knew that.  My guess was 250 which was bad enough.

The unfortunate thing was that I didn’t stop there.  It was a binge-y day.  I did eat a nice normal dinner of salad with tuna on it, but I also ate Pirate’s Booty and dry cereal.  Several bowls of dry cereal.  I’m sitting here at the moment kind of hating myself for lacking so severely in the self-control department.  I can say to myself, “If you behave, you’ll be on maintenance sooner!” until the cows come home, but I seem to only be able to behave for about three days before I totally lose it and pig out.  Urgh!  God, that’s frustrating.

The worst bit of it is that I really really really needed to be good because this weekend is our Fakesgiving.  How will I ever behave in the face of Fluffy Pink, candied yams, and apple pie?  Oh, don’t forget about the mashed potatoes and rolls (I am a carb fiend).  Plus, just for fun/extra torture, my grandparents are taking us to the club on Sunday for brunch.  They seriously have the best brunch ever.  Mmm, waffles … yeah, and I have to be good.  Fuck!

http://english.pravda.ru/

They have a link to an article where Lynne Cheney says that Dick and Barack Obama are cousins.  Eighth cousins, but yeah, cousins.

I’ve been meaning to put Pravda on my blogroll because they sometimes have some really hilarious stories, but I keep forgetting to.  Hopefully this will remind me.  Not right now ‘cuz I have to go in a minute, but maybe soon!

I’m pissed … as if the title of this entry doesn’t make that loud and clear!  So yesterday, I was having a perfectly peaceful and lovely day until I was coming off the ice.  I was on the reserved ice, and the other side was a public skate.  I saw this guy who I at first thought was Mike, this one coach, but as I got closer I realized it was my ex-boyfriend.  Gross.  Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later since we skate at the same rink.  So that was the first little bit of disturbing for the day.

When I got home, I checked my email.  There was one from him saying that he’d be happy to take all my old hockey equipment off my hands as well as the Goodwill boxes.  Uh, what?  Why would he want my old hockey stuff?  Unless he wants to sell it, but shouldn’t that be my prerogative?  And anyway, there’s a girl at the rink that I give my old stuff to when I remember to take it up there and she happens to be there to pick it up.  So I don’t need him to “take it off my hands”.  God, that’s strange.  Secondly, and I believe I’ve ranted about this before, I am not a free storage facility for exes.  So the Goodwill boxes shouldn’t be here anymore.  They are, but that’s just because I’m too lazy/busy to take them to Goodwill.  But why would he want them?  That’s just fucking weird.

Anyway, I sat there looking at this retarded-ass email for a little while, trying to decide how to respond.  When I couldn’t think of a nice way, I decided not to say anything at all.  See Mom, you taught me well.  I settled in to watch last week’s Grey’s Anatomy when my cell phone rang.  Sure enough, it was him, so I didn’t answer it.  Then he texted me.  Jeez guy, get the hint!  I’m not talking to you.  His text said, “Did you get my email?”  Yeah, you stupid fucking moron, I got it, and I’m not answering it!  Quit bugging me!!!  I’m feeling totally invaded at this point.  I’ve come to a very serene place with my singleness, and I don’t want to be reminded of that waste of a relationship.  He was horrible to my son, so I never should’ve let it continue.  I learned a lot from it, mostly that I’m so freaking grateful that it’s over.  Actually I the most important thing I learned is that if somebody is an asshole to your kid, don’t date him.  The end of story.

I sat there fuming for about another half hour before I couldn’t stand it anymore and I had to reply to his damn email.  I told him all the stuff he was asking for was gone (I lied because I don’t want him coming over here to get it) and to please respect the request I made six months ago which was no post break-up contact.  Simple enough.  Well, not simple enough for him.  I checked my email this morning, and there was another one from him.  Apparently he can’t keep his fucking big mouth shut, and he has to have the last word.  Actually I’m letting him have the last word because I refuse to sink to this level:

“I will say this, and you can take it or leave it.  You’re going to wish one day that you didn’t shut me out, and when you want to talk, I’ll be here.”

Oh really!  I’m going to wish I didn’t shut him out???  I think not.  I had quite enough of his pearls of wisdom when he lived here.  He’s one of those people who thinks they know everything about everything.  It was so annoying and arrogant and … gak, I don’t know what else, but my shoulders are up around my ears right now from being tense about him being all like he is.  He makes my skin crawl and I regret every second I spent with him.  Gag.  He also said he didn’t really remember about the no contact thing.  So what does that mean?  He only sort-of remembered?  In that case, it still means don’t bug me.  And how could he forget me saying this when he left here the last time: “I don’t stay friends with exes.  It’s just not in my make-up.  I’m sorry, but that means I won’t speak with you again.”  And he said to the dog:  “Did you hear that?  Mommy thinks we won’t keep in touch?”  So yeah, he got it on that day.  He got it until it was inconvenient for him.

Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!  By the way, I have a very civilized relationship with my ex-husband, but only because we have a kid.  If we didn’t, I doubt I’d ever talk to him either.  What’s the point?   

I have to pee, but my interest level in getting off the couch is less than nil, so I’m holding it.  Meanwhile, my belly is swelling (I have to go pretty bad), and if the dog jumps on me, I will pop, thereby electrocuting myself on the computer and dying one of those really embarrassing deaths that show up on that Darwin thing.  It will be worse than being on “Dateline: Survivor Story”.  I should add that to my life goal list: I do not want to die in such a way as to end up on that damn Darwin list.  There.

My sister, brother-in-law, and I are going to a Halloween party during our Fakesgiving weekend (meaning Thanksgiving in October due to a grandparental cruise during real Thanksgiving).  We’re going to dress as geishas.  All three of us.  Jason has a history of being willing to cross-dress for Halloween.  He was a cheerleader one year.  My sister was a boy cheerleader that year.  I wish I had a picture so I could put it up.  Anyway, Kim got the costumes at Target.  We’re going to wear white knee-highs and black flip flops for our footwear.  Have I mentioned that I hate flip flops?  That damn thing between my toes drives me up a wall.  Hopefully the socks will cure that problem.  Kim bought white makeup too.  I have the most awesome red lipstick ever, so we’ll use that.  We’ll also wear black eyeliner and geisha wigs.  The only problem is that they only had mediums and larges, and I’m fairly wee, so my costume is probably going to be too big.  Oh well.

Craving warning:  I want some fucking chocolate.  There is no chocolate in this house.  How is that possible?  That can’t be normal.  Well, on second thought, there’s some white chocolate in the fridge, but it’s well past it’s prime.  I just keep forgetting to chuck it in the bin.

My worries over J as a coach have been alleviated.  He’s got a way of describing things that I relate to really well, and I feel like I’ve improved in D’s absence.  Usually I regress, so this is very good news.  Plus he’s making me work on those hideous Moves in the Field, so that’ll make me a better skater overall.  It’s torture, but it’s good stuff.  Today was a little worthless.  Gillian was on the ice at the same time as me, and she loves nothing more than to talk.  That’s fine for a minute here and there, but she wants to yak the whole time, and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get away from her.  I think I wasted half an hour talking to her, but at least we were talking about skating stuff.  Wasted is kind of harsh.  I should say I let half an hour of practice time fly by while talking.  That sounds a little less rude.  My second session was much more productive.  I’ll just have to make up for it by busting my ass tomorrow, which I never do on Fridays. 

When I was all done for the day, Cute Guy from work came up and talked to me while I was taking off my skates and stuff.  He was playing with my skates and my Bunga pads (please please don’t let them be all stretched out now!).  He liked the art on the bottom of my skates, but how could you not like Betty Boop and Jessica Rabbit?  Anyway, I’ve noticed that I get all nervous when talking to guys now.  I feel like a ninth grader.  I don’t know, maybe ninth graders are less nervous than me.  I sat there, chit-chatting, but worrying the whole time that my skates were stinky.  It was pretty pitiful!  I even get a little nervous talking to guys on my softball team, all of whom are taken except for D.  I’m not nervous around him, but I see him all the time so that doesn’t count.  I think I’m painfully aware of my singleton status.

We’ve got a double header in softball tonight.  I’m trying to decide if I should bother jumping in the shower for a quick “rinse the skate sweat off” or if it doesn’t matter since I’m going to get all gross again.  I keep sniffing my pits, and they’re alright.  They do smell like working deodorant.  I don’t want them to end up smelling like failed deodorant.  Ick!  Okay, yeah, I’m gonna take a shower. 

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