February 2008

My grandparents are coming into town tomorrow to check out another retirement place.  My grandfather was ready for this move a long time ago, but my grandmother is reluctant.  I don’t blame her – I would HATE this.  That said, I think it’s the right thing to do.  My grandfather has macular degeneration and is going to need lots of help, and my grandmother has her health issues as well (they’re both over 85 years old).  They’ve just been so independent for so long that it’s got to be hard to face this.  Anyway, we’ll have a dinner thing tomorrow night at my aunt’s house and another one on Sunday at my parent’s house.  On Saturday they’re going to check out the place.  It’s not like a retirement home per se.  It’s like condos with different levels of assisted living.  Personally, I think it’s pretty fucking depressing even if it does need to be done.  I don’t want to die, but man, I don’t want to be ooolllddd.

My Saturday will be more fun than theirs I think.  I’m going to a dinner party with a bunch of skating people.  The party is being given by one of the adult skaters for a friend of hers who is in town.  Most of the people there are going to be pretty old (and by that I mean relative to our group – these people are in their 50s and we’re not).  So when things die down, we’re going to come back to my house for a real party, yay! 

Sadly, at my own party I can’t really drink much because on Sunday, I’m going shooting again.  I don’t think I’d do well hungover.  D and I were trying to figure out what kind of gun I would use this time, but we failed.  We’ve decided to just wait and see what they have.  All I know is I wasn’t thrilled with the XD, but I have no frame of reference, so what do I know?  He asked me what I didn’t like, and I said the noise and the kick.  He goes, “Well, that’s kind of going to be all guns.”  Oh.  I guess I have to get used to it then. 

So that’s my upcoming weekend in a nutshell.  Tomorrow is going to suck, I can tell already.  I only have seven lessons left with D, and I’m starting to get just sick about it.  It’s funny because everyone at the rink tries to put such a happy face on it – like, “Oh, Nick’s going to be your new coach?  You guys are going to look great together because you’re both tall and blonde” – that was the lady who’s having the party on Saturday.  For the record, while I am blonde, I’m not tall.  I’m just tall compared to most ice dancers.  A bunch of other people have told me that I’ll have lots of fun with Nick, which I know is true.  He’ll also be picky like D which is good.  I just don’t know if he’ll be as picky, but he better be!  I’m a perfectionist, but if my coach isn’t looking for it too, I’ll slack off.  I’m lazy like that.  That’s why J isn’t going to be my dance coach.  He looks for “good enough for an adult” (that’s not actually a quote from him, but he has more than once said that we don’t have to live up to the same standard as the kids.  Well, duh, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for it).  That just doesn’t fly with me.  Anyway, I’m glad this whole coaching question is taken care of because I had four coaches approach me today.  Sorry guys, it’s done!  I’d still move back to fucking New Mexico in a heartbeat if it were at all feasible though.  This sucks a great big ass!!!

Random thought of the moment:  I would love an omelette.  I’d want it to have bacon, tomatoes, mushrooms, and peppers.  Then I’d cover it in salsa.  On the side, I’d like pancakes with LOTS of syrup.  The irony of this random thought is that I weighed this morning and I only have three pounds to go, so of course after skating today, I did nothing but stuff my face.  I ate an entire bag of Pirate’s Booty.  An entire fucking bag, are you kidding me with this shit?  I also had two oatmeal raisin cookies, countless Reese’s mini peanut butter cups (I think it was a total of 12, jeezus), Starbucks, two big bowls of cereal, normal oatmeal, and yogurt.  I feel like I ate something else too, but I can’t think of it.  You may notice a lack of veggies there.  Oops, my bad.  The only proper meal that I ate was the oatmeal and yogurt at breakfast.  Everything else was very snacky.  Hopefully I’ll do better tomorrow, but I think sometimes you need a day of really crappy eating.  And you know what?  I could still eat some more today.  Yee-ikes!


Humorous Pictures
Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!

That title is specially for Avitable – so the portion of this post about boobs is dedicated to Adam.

I had a weekend full of boobies.  Friday night was J’s birthday, and the last thing we did for the night was go to a strip club.  I think it was called Silver City.  Anyway, I’m so sorry, but I was expecting much better boobs than what we got.  Some of the girls were kind of flabby with smallish tits which did nothing for me (or for D for that matter – we were critiquing).  The ones with big boobs either also had big asses or those really giant pancake type nipples.  Uh, no thanks.  (I’m sure that Adam at this point is going, “Gee thanks for the boobs post.  This sucks ass.”)  There were a couple that were cute with nice bodies and decent boobs, but they were few and far between.  The best looking one had a top on.  My question, of course, was this:  When these girls interview, do they have to show their tatas, and if so, are some of them told, “No, those will not see the light of day.  You will wear a top.”  We’ve decided that when we go to a strip club for part of D’s going away party, we will find a better one.  I asked my ex-husband to ask his dad for recommendations.  D was like, “I’m glad you can ask your ex these questions!” 

More boobs were seen on Sunday, but they were more dressed.  Man-Friend (stop laughing Adam) came over, and both of us were starving.  We also both wanted junky food, so we decided on shitty bar food, and therefore went to Hooters.  Okay, so my idea of shitty bar food is a cheeseburger.  M-F’s idea was far junkier.  We had chicken strips (fried and coated in hot sauce), shrimp (also fried and coated in hot sauce), onion rings (um, yes, also fried, but not in hot sauce), and M-F also ordered a Chili Cheese Death Dog with fries.  We had beer too (Coors Light for him and Corona Light for me – really, light beer?  Was that remotely necessary at this point?)  We told the waitress we were trying to get fat in one sitting.  I think we succeeded.  We ate everything except for three of the onion rings.  M-F was quite distressed, saying, “We left men behind.  You never leave men behind!”  I was like, “Dude, I am going to throw up from this as it is.  No more onion rings.”  As far as the boobs went, they were nicer at Hooter’s than at the strip club.  Of course they were supported by bras at Hooter’s, and I think they always look nicer in a bra – more shapely anyway.

Anyway, we went back to my house and promptly fell asleep with stomachs full of grease.  Needless to say, I woke up with a hell of a headache and needed to puke desperately, but couldn’t.  So I just stayed on the couch moaning while M-F slept some more.  Later we watched something on the Military Channel about the Israeli army which I think was really interesting.  They are not fucking around there, that’s for sure.  Oh, we also saw something on Animal Planet (I think) about the wildlife around Chernobyl.  That was fascinating.  I was expecting the area to be completely dead and devoid of life, but you would not believe how green everything was.  Nature will win out, that’s for sure.  When we got up this morning, I still wanted to yak, but didn’t.  This is how I keep up the super-long non-pukeage streaks – a complete inability to barf even when I really want to.  I refuse to stick my fingers down my throat to help out.  That’s just cheating and can ruin a perfectly good streak.  My poor tummy just does not know what to do with shitty bar food, but I’m feeling much better now.

Now for some skating stuff:  I have made a coaching decision.  I’m going with Nick Traxler for dance (you can google him – I’m not linking because nobody from the rink needs to find this site!  They all think I’m sweet and innocent, heh!) and J for Moves in the Field.  I need to take a bunch of Moves tests, and he’s really good at explaining them and correcting them.  I just can’t use him for dance because of the partnering.  He freaks me out.  So D is going to talk to Nick for me.  I just couldn’t take all the questions anymore, and it was really uncomfortable for me to know other coaches were going to approach me, especially the ones who aren’t even dance coaches (I was told this was about to happen).  I was like, wtf?  You can’t teach me this stuff.  Toepicker, whatever.

I don’t have too much going on this week.  I should be doing laundry, but that is so not fun, so I’m avoiding it by blogging about how I have nothing to do.  Hunh.

So what is going on?  Well, let’s see.  Man-Friend came over last night.  It was lots of fun – we laughed a lot and had dinner (steak – I insisted as I’ve been craving red meat like you wouldn’t believe).  Then we came back here and watched “Survivorman”.  That dude is a riot.  Then we went to, ahem, bed.  We ended up sleeping til like eleven this morning, oops.  It was cold and rainy though, so it was really good sleeping weather.  Unfortunately, since we slept so late, I missed my scheduled session on the ice.  I was going to go to a later one, but I had a conference call this afternoon with my financial guy.

Or make that, I was supposed to be having a conference call.  He cancelled by email because he had a migraine.  I was sitting here waiting for the phone to ring at three and was checking my email when I saw it.  So now I’m like, well, what to do?  I need to go to Target (we have a condom emergency.  There’s only one left.  This is very very very bad), and Munchkin has a band concert tonight.  The issue is that my car is in the shop having maintenance done and should be ready any minute now.  I don’t want to be at Target when I get that phone call, so I’m waiting, lalalalala.  If nothing else, I can go after the concert.  Seriously, is my life not the most exciting thing ever???

J’s birthday is tomorrow, so I also need to pick up something for him.  I have no idea what to get him, so I’ll probably lame out and grab a gift card.  I suck!

Oh, I know what I could do that’s not laundry!  The power went out last night, so all my clocks need to be reset.  There’s some fun.  Good goobies, I need to get a job or something. 

1. Are you taller than your best friend?
Nope, my sister is my best friend and she’s 5’7″.  I’m about 5’5″.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
I like the gel pens.

3. Look at your planner; what were your plans for January 15th?
I probably skated since it was a Tuesday, but I don’t write down what I’m supposed to do.  This may very well account for why I forget to do stuff all the time.

4. What color are your toenails usually?
Pink, though they are nekkid right now.

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
That would be my hair.

6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom?
I think it’s called champagne.

7. What color are the seats in your car?

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
No, but I’ve had a black cat and a separate white cat.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
A letter.  Shocking, I know!

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Japan?

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
I pay D in cash, so it was for him for the week.

12. Last baby you held?
Anjelica’s baby.

13. Can you spell well?
No way.  I heart spellcheck.  Hey, it’s saying I’m spelling spellcheck wrong.  Well, I like how it looks this way, so I’m leaving it!

14. Do you like cinnamon toothpaste?
No, which is weird to me because I love cinnamon in food and mints and gum.

15. How fast have you driven in a car before?
I’m not sure because the speedometer didn’t move anymore but I kept going faster.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
Uh, OU Sooners.

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
I think it was right after my senior year in high school ended.  It’s been a really long time.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
The disgusting Las Vegas sweatshirt I’m wearing.  It’s disgusting because I’ve managed to get both spaghetti sauce and sneeze all over it in the last hour.  I’m messy.

20. Last person who gave you a business card?
The dentist’s assistant, in case I had any problems with my crowns while the office was closed.

21. Who was the last person you wrote a check or money order to?
The City of Wylie to pay my water bill.  It gets there faster if I send a check myself rather than letting the bank do it.

22. Closest framed picture to you?
Me and my sister fourteen years ago.  We both had dark hair.  This is no longer true.  We also both had huge caterpillar eyebrows.  We’ve taken care of that issue since then, thanks.

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
My aunt made dinner a couple of weeks ago.  Does that count?

24. Have you ever felt you weren’t good enough?
My entire life.  I’m very harsh on myself and sickly competitive.

25. How many emails do you get in your inbox daily (excluding spam)?
Generally around 15.

26. Last time you received flowers?
My dad gave me flowers for my birthday several years ago.

27. What’s one thing you live for?
Awesome sex.

28. Do you play air guitar?
Can I take the fifth or is that too obvious?

29. Has anyone ever proposed to you?
One time a guy did, and it wasn’t my ex-husband.  Now there’s a story.

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Soy milk and Splenda.

31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?

32. How many books have you read in the last year?
I don’t know, but I can say that I’ve had a very disappointing run of books lately.  I keep starting books that I’m unable to finish because they suck ass.  Honestly, they’ll publish anything these days!

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
Kim and Caryn.

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
I prefer to wash with actual soap and water.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
I wanted to play the crap out of the drums until I got Rock Band.  Now I hate the fucking drums, and they hate me more.

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?

37. Have you ever developed your own film?
Yeah, when I was in high school, I took Photojournalism and we had to develop our own film and photos.  That was a fun class!

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
Well, I think I was in Oklahoma, so it was probably the ads for the sales after Thanksgiving.

39. What was the last pageant or play you attended?
Eeekkk, I do not know.

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Man-Friend and I had Little Caesar’s a few weeks ago.  I’m not sure why, but we did.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
No, but I do have a tiara that I wear when I clean my house.  It never hurts to feel pretty when you’re doing grunt work.

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
Oh, probably some Longaberger stuff.

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
Oh gaggers, yeah I tried it.  Fucking swill!

44. Are you ticklish?
Extremely, but I can control the ticklish on my feet which is so entertaining.  It makes Munchkin mad.

45. Last time you saw fireworks?
I think at New Year’s.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
Probably five or more years ago.  That’s kinda sad.

47. Who is the last person that left you a message, and you actually returned it?

48. Last time you parked under a carport?
Gosh, I don’t know if I ever have.

49. Do you have a black dog?
No, I have a blonde dog.

50. Can you give one reason why David Caruso is allowed to keep acting?
Because nobody can do that sunglasses removal and pause as well as he does.

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?

52. Who has the most gorgeous eyes that you know of?
Probably my aunt Susan.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
Today while driving to the airport to pick up D.

54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
Sounds familiar, but I can’t place the name.

55. Do you have a little black dress?
I’m a girl, so yes, duh.  It’s too big now though, so I guess I need a new one.

I just ate the biggest burrito I’ve ever seen in my whole life.  I’m in Austin and Jason went to get us food from some Mexican restaurant.  This thing had to be eight inches by four inches and about three inches thick.  I put down a little more than half of it, and the next thing on our agenda is to go shopping for clothes.  I may not need new jeans.  The old ones may not be so baggy anymore.

The hair show on Tuesday was fun.  I was “Punk Girl”.  The make-up artist put red lipstick on my eyes which took three days to fully disappear.  I was like, “Really, how many times do I have to wash my face?”  The answer is eight.  One of the girls was still in high school, and she was like, “Um, I go to Highland Park* High School, and we don’t dress like this there.”  I thought, you know sweetheart, if you think I’ve ever dressed like this in my life or ever will again, you’re fucking kidding yourself.  She had trouble getting into the spirit of things.

One final note: my robo-mouth is done.  I’ve got the crowns and everything, so no more stupid mouthpiece.  When I’m brushing my teeth though, I keep reaching over to grab it and brush it too, but it’s not there anymore!  What a relief.  I’m getting the crowns redone though because the shape doesn’t match my other teeth perfectly.  I’m sorry, after spending $15,000 on my mouth over the past year, everything better be exactly how I want it.  So these crowns are temporary, but still, no more mouthpiece, yay!  Oh yeah, I had this dream last night that all my crowns (I have a total of six) fell off and I lost my wallet and couldn’t pay to get them back on.  Yikes!

*Highland Park is the snootiest area in Dallas.  This girl was sweet, but yeah, she was a little snotty too.

Courtesy of Avitable, duh! 

 1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
First I would say, “Oh fuuuuck”.  Then I would say, “How in the hell did both condoms and religiously taken birth control pills fail?  How is that possible?  How, how how???”

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
I don’t trust anybody.  Well, I don’t trust anybody completely.  D probably comes closest to me trusting completely.  I totally trust him on the ice which does translate into real life.  He knows most of my secrets too, so yeah, I think I actually trust him.  That’s scary.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
That depends on if they loved me too.  I am not a stalker.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
No, I think shit randomly happens and fucks with my bliss.  Of course right now, I’m totally bitter about this whole “my coach is moving away” situation and am having trouble dealing with it, and I can’t see a good reason in the universe for this happening.  Except for his good reasons.  So I can’t see a good reason for it on my end.

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
I have the ability to make many dollars in change because I have all these jars of change that I haven’t bothered to deal with.  I’m lazy that way.  I gave my ex five dollars in dimes the other day.  He was like, “I don’t need to be paid back this badly.”  Hee.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Oh gosh, that’s a toughie.  I think most of my friends would make lousy doctors because they like to go out and have fun and have a social life.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
There are a bunch of people who randomly pop in my mind.  In fact, this morning, a girl I grew up with popped in my head.  I hadn’t thought of her in years.

10. What’s your favorite scar?
The one on my back is the most impressive.  It’s the one from a dog pushing me into a glass-topped table.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
1998.  I hate flying.  I’ll have to fly to New Mexico a couple of times in the coming months, and then to Virginia for the competition.  I can’t think about it or I start to panic.  Thank God for Xanex.

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
It said, “Bite me (plz)”.

13. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
A great ass and a great sense of humor.  If you don’t laugh at my dorky jokes then you can fuck the hell off.  And if you don’t have a great ass, I’m going to have a hard time grabbing onto it during good times, and that’s just not fun for me.

14. Fill in the blank. I love ________.
not being under pressure to say what I love.  Oh, duh, I love my Munchkin!

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
I’d like to talk D out of moving.  It’s not going to happen, but that’s my goal.

16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
My sister.

17. How many kids do you want to have?
The one I have is plenty, thanks.

18. Would you make a good parent?
Well, since I’m already a parent who makes at least forty-seven mistakes a day, I’d say I’m no better or worse than any other parent on the planet.

19. Where was your favorite picture taken?
I always like the Christmas picture that I do with my mom and sister.  We wear our Christmas jammies and sit with our legs to one side and lean on each other.  Since we spend our Christmases in alternating cities, it depends what year it was as to where it is.

20. What’s your middle name?
Renee, though that’s the name I go by.

21. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
Get ready for this: I don’t know if I can deal with my coach leaving.  It’s too hard.  I don’t want a new coach.  I want to toss myself on the floor and have yet another crying, howling fit.  I don’t want him to go.  I think maybe I’m too attached to my coach, but I don’t care.  I want him to stay.  There, that’s what’s on my mind right now.

22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
When I was ten and I quit freestyle, I would’ve changed to ice dancing rather than quitting skating altogether.  If I had known it was what I’d end up doing anyway, I’d have started it much earlier.

23. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
My sister.

24. What are you wearing right now?
Jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt, and a hot pink hoodie.  I’m also wearing a pink Dallas Mavericks hat.

25. Righty or Lefty?
It depends on what I’m doing.  I write right-handed, but I play golf and hockey lefty.  I can use scissors or eat with either hand.  Sometimes I accidentally pick up a pen with my left hand and start to write.  That’s when I figure out it’s all wrong.  I have to make the L’s with my hands when D tells me to go a certain way.  Then he makes fun of me.

26. Best place to eat?
I don’t know what it was called, but they had the best food I’ve ever eaten.  It was in Florida, and it was a baked potato filled with seafood.  I want it right freaking now!

27. Favorite jeans?
Well, I had this one pair that was my favorite until I dropped ten pounds, and now they look like shit on me.  They were Gianni Bini’s.  Now my Calvin Klein’s look best on me, though I have a pair of DKNY that look pretty good.  The problem is that I seem to have lost the weight in my ass and my boobs.  My boobs, people.  They are gone!!!  Damn it!  Anyway, clearly I refuse to spend a ton of money on my jeans.  Maybe if I’d spend a fortune, they’d look better.

28. Favorite Animal?

29. Favorite juice?
Orange juice.  I’d like some of that now too.

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes, and I have two scars from it.  One is on my forehead.  I’m not saying where the other one is, but let’s just say you’d be able to see it on a nude beach if I shaved really well.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
I’m sorry, this question is dumb.  Who hasn’t had a sore throat?

32. Ever had a bar fight?
Uh, no.

33. Who knows you the best?
My sister.

34. Shoe size?
8 1/2 narrow.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Both, but not at the same time.  Although I have put my glasses on without taking my contacts out by accident, but you figure it out real fast.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
I’m in one right now.  He’s eating my shoelace.

37. Been to Mexico?
No, but I lived in Puerto Rico when I was little.  Does that count?

38. Did you buy something today?
I went to Target, so I bought lots of things.  Mostly food and make-up.

39. Did you get sick today?
No, I felt sick from the wine I drank last night though.

40. Do you miss someone today?
Yes, very much.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
No I didn’t.

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
I don’t get massages.  I think they hurt, so nobody’s allowed to do it to me.

43. Last person to lie in your bed?

44. Last person to see you cry?

45. Who made you cry?

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
Grey’s Anatomy

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
Well, the weekend’s over kids.  So I’ll tell you what I’m doing this week.  Tomorrow I’m skating.  Tuesday I’m skating and I have the hair show, then I’m going out that evening with my crazy hair and ridiculous show make-up.  Wednesday I’m skating, and Thursday I’m also skating.  I’ll have to do laundry and pack on Thursday as well because Friday, I’m going to visit my sister, yay!

48. Who do you think will repost this?
Adam did it first, so he’s out.  I don’t know.

49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
Anjelica at rehearsal for the show earlier tonight.

50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY, what would you say?
I’d say, “*snort*, what are you talking about?  We’re not like that!  I thought we were just ‘hanging out’.  What the fuck???”

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