Well, fuck me, but I am a stoopid woman.  This is going to be hard to explain, but for those willing to do the math, Man-Friend and another person I blog about are the same person.  I can’t be more specific than that, and I can’t say it outloud because he could lose his job over it.  I think it’ll be evident who it is in a second, but anyway, without the information that they’re the same person, this story will make no sense.

Okay, so Man-Friend was over last night.  He brought over Army of 2 and played it on X-Box Live with this other guy that he plays with a lot.  Sounds like fun for me, right?  Actually it was because they’re just so damn funny with the stuff they say and do, so I was thoroughly entertained.  Afterwards, we made a Taco Bell run (I cannot believe I ate Taco Bell at midnight, but it turned out okay when I weighed this morning) and watched a little tv before going to bed.

This morning, we did our thing and then we were talking.  Somehow, and God help me, I can’t for the life of me remember how it happened, we got on the subject of feelings.  Oops.  See, the thing is, we weren’t supposed to have those.  Remember when I first brought Man-Friend onto my blog?  I wasn’t sure what to call him since he was only going to be kind of a fuck buddy (hey, first clue that I am dumb!).  Man-Friend was suggested and I took it because it sounds so much nicer.  The point is, I’m a girl, and I ended up with feelings.  Dumbass.  It’s not like I wasn’t warned.  My sister, Anjelica, and even M-F himself warned me.  We talked about it the night we discussed our Pros and Cons lists – one of his cons was he was worried that I might get “crazy attached”.  That sounds so fucking arrogant, but I guess if you’re not looking to get attached, you might worry about the other person attaching.

Wait, I just remembered how it happened.  He keeps telling me I could do better and that I’m slumming with him and all that kind of shit.  Or that I could meet a doctor and end up with him and all sorts of crap like that.  I keep saying nah.  Finally I was like, “Look, you keep trying to give me outs, and so we’re going to play a math game and see if you can figure out what this adds up to.  I don’t want this imaginary doctor.  I don’t think I’m slumming.  I don’t think I’ll get bored with you (this is another one he says).  What do you think all that means?”  Duh.  I still had to spell it out as in, “I did the thing I wasn’t supposed to do.  I got attached.  I like you, not fake doctor guy.”  Well, duh on me, he already knew that.

So then we got on the topic of him.  He said, regarding himself and anything relationshippy, “I’m an ass.  I told you I’m an ass.”  Oh, he also said he was sorry.  I told him, “I just don’t understand how you can be the way you are with me (meaning all cuddly and hand-holdy and having fun and texting me all the time and all that shit) and then not be at all attached.  How do you do that?”  He refused to answer, saying that it would only dig his grave deeper.  Then later he said that he never said that he wasn’t attached.  So what the fuck do I do with that?  You’re either attached or not, and I personally think that if you are and the other person is too, you might have something to work with.  Maybe that’s just me though???

And here’s where we get to the merging of M-F and this other person.  On Monday, he had asked me if he made me happy, and I said yes, except for the leaving part since he leaves town to move back home in ten days.  I can hear the lightbulbs snapping on right now.  I asked him if I made him happy, and he said yes, except for the part where I don’t cook, heh.  So this morning, I asked him why he asked me that question.  He didn’t want to answer at first, but he finally did, saying, “I wanted to see if I was more to you than another notch in your bedpost.  And for the record, you’re more than a notch to me.”  That sounds all well and good, but then we got on the subject of his feelings.  I was like, “I’m more than a notch, and you admit to being at least a little attached.  So why can’t you admit that you might just like me a little teeny tiny bit?”  And he proceeded to cover his face with pillows.  Fucking ridiculous.  Then he said he was emotionally repressed and that he would understand if I didn’t want him to come over anymore.  Oh yeah, and earlier he had said that his plan was to make me hate him before he left so that it wouldn’t be so hard on me.  Apparently, everyone who knows about us keeps telling him how hard it’s going to be on me when he leaves.  Duh, of course it’s going to suck!  Pissing me off isn’t going to make it hurt less – it’s just going to piss me off.  I didn’t say anything at first to the whole “I’ll understand if you don’t want me to come over anymore” comment because at that point, I was so upset that I felt like I needed to think about it.

So I thought for about five minutes while he convinced me I needed to hurry up and get ready to go skate.  And here’s what my fuck-tard self came up with:  He’s not telling me anything I didn’t already know or that I wasn’t warned about.  It’s just outloud, that’s the only difference.  So I walked over to him and gave him a hug and told him it was okay, and that I still wanted him to come over.  And he said NOTHING.  *screaming inside!!!*  So I go, “Does that mean ‘no’?” And he said, “I didn’t say that.”  Exactly, but you didn’t say anything at all.  What the fuck?  So then he took my hand and we went downstairs so he could get his game and hard-drive, and then I walked him out.  He gave me a kiss and a hug.

So yeah, I’m fucking confused.  I know that he, on some level, cares about me.  I know that he is, to some degree, attached.  I know that he can’t say it.  I don’t know what to do.  Oh also, he normally texts me a lot on nights that he’s not here, and I haven’t heard a word.  I’m afraid to text him and get ignored or worse, so my phone is off limits at the moment.  The thing is, I always knew how this would end up when I found out he was moving.  He was never going to do a long-distance thing with me.  It’s just not practical, and I’m not sure I would want to do that either.  But what the shit is this?  Damn it, I hate this.  I hate not knowing what I should do.  I hate not hearing from him (dude, you’d think the least he could do is text “R u ok?” – he does that after a bad day on the ice, and this morning was way worse than that!).  I hate not knowing what he’s really thinking.  He has just confused the utter fuck out of me.

Now, on the more hopeful side of me, I know people get hurt like this all the time, and I know we recover.  I’m 38 years old and have yet to have a successful relationship, but some part of me is willing to keep trying.  I wish this one would give me a chance, but if not, I’m not going to drop out of love-life stuff.  It might take me a while because I really like him.  God, the real suck of it all is that he’d get along so well with my family.  FUCK!!!  And now I need to cry again.  Shit shit shit.

Okay, I’m fine now.  I hope this post made some sort of sense (and if not, welcome to my world!).  I’m super-confused and upset, so I know I got stuff out of order and whatnot.  I just hope it’s readable.  

UPDATE:  I know y’all are waiting with baited breath for updates on all this bullshit, but twenty minutes after I posted this, he started texting me.  What to do, what to do?