good times


Apparently when you go out of town, you’re supposed to let the neighbors know so they don’t think your corpse is rotting in your house.  Oops, my bad.  Long story short, I now know my across the street neighbors.  I didn’t know they watched my comings and goings so closely, but they were like, “Yeah, we normally see you come and go, so when we didn’t for so long, we got worried.  And plus, we know you’d never let your yard go like this, so we thought something was really wrong.”  Heh about the yard.  It looked so bad when I got home, and I had another nasty note from the HOA with the threat of a fine if I don’t hurry up and fix it.  So I spent today fixing it.  Or at least a fourth of it.  I still have a ways to go.  The yard guy comes Saturday though, so I’ll water Saturday night and then spread the weed killer/fertilizer I got today on Sunday morning.  That’s how the Lowe’s guy said to do it anyway.  I also got this nifty tool for pulling weeds but managed to break it already.

My trip was good.  The ice in Albuquerque is super hard and I don’t like it.  D’s mom said if I can skate on it, then I can skate on anything.  That’s good news since the ice in Reston is supposedly shit.  Don’t get a literal vision of that if you can help it.  She’s also fixing my dresses.  One needs altering and all of them need stones.  All I had were clear Swarovskis, but she said to use the colored ones.  Luckily she has like eleventy billion of them from stoning D’s costumes back in his competitive days.

We saw “The Ruins” while I was there.  Don’t bother.  It wasn’t at all what I expected.  I thought it would be more adventure-y, but it was kind of a gore-fest.  We also hiked a trail that I used to go on when I lived there, but since it’s still kind of cold none of the pretty stuff has bloomed.  The most interesting thing on the trail was the sheer amount of dog shit.  I was kind of shocked.  You would think that the kind of people who hike trails would be the kind of people who would know to pick up their dog’s crap.  Ew.  We also went shooting one day.  I sucked so much ass.  My targeting was okay, but it was taking me about twenty minutes between shots.  It got so bad that D finally unloaded the gun and had me shoot it dry to get my comfort level back up.  Then on my last clip of the day, I pulled the trigger and nothing happened.  So with the gun still pointing downrange (VERY IMPORTANT), I turned my head and said, “It’s not working” and then the damn thing shot.  I still hit the target, but not where I intended.  So I learned if you think the gun isn’t working, take your finger off the trigger.  I’m a dumbass who shouldn’t be allowed to handle weapons.  D said it happens to everyone though.  Somehow that failed to make me feel better.  Oh, he got his other AK-47 yesterday and shot it today.  He’s more in love with it than he is with me.  That’s okay, I’m secure in the knowledge that there are things I can do for him that a gun can’t.  Though if he says anything about a gun is better than sex again …

Okay, I have Big Brother After Dark on, and we’ve been watching Adam read a bible for like forty minutes.  Oh for Pete’s sake, if there’s nothing going on in the house, put together some footage from when there was interesting stuff going on and let us watch that.  What I want to know is why I haven’t changed the channel.  Ah, it must be that dumbass thing happening again.  I is smrt.

I’m writing this down here so hopefully I’ll remember to do it later, but I need to write about my child’s latest escapade and the weird ass dream I had while in New Mexico.

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I came back from New Mexico with a stomach virus and finally went to the doctor today because I can’t take it anymore.  Unfortunately since it’s a virus, there’s not really anything they can do for me so I have to take it some more whether I want to or not.  Assholes.

The flight out there was fine.  I was all Xanex-y so I didn’t much care about the tiny bit of turbulence we had or anything like that.  I was crying when I got on the plane since they hadn’t kicked in yet, but the flight attendant was really sweet and got me a front row seat (I flew Southwest and got just about the last boarding pass because I’m dumb and didn’t check in online).  She even came and sat by me during take-off and held my hand.

D (this would be Man-Friend, but I figure we’ve dispensed with the disguises) met me at the first place you’re allowed to meet people at the Albuquerque airport.  I do miss the days of being able to meet people at the gate.  We went to lunch and then got checked into the hotel and all that.  He had to teach for a little bit that evening, so I slept off the remainder of the Xanex and played with my DS.

On Saturday we went to the zoo when he was done teaching.  I’ve never seen so many tattoos in one place.  I saw one dude who had his entire family rendered on his belly (so yeah, he was shirtless.  Can anyone say “Classy”?).  The animals looked depressed.  D said they looked like they were waiting for extinction.

Sunday was meet the parents day.  We were both so nervous, and I mean ridiculously nervous, like to the point of saying stupid shit like, “One night stands are so much easier than this.”  Oops.  They were nice though.  His mom is very blunt, but not towards me.  It’s just like if she’s thinking something, she says it, and she says exactly how she feels about it.  His dad’s somewhat quieter.  We went back to their house and watched a movie and hung out for a bit before heading back to the hotel.

Oh, they wanted to make sure I came back while D’s aunt is there.  That’s at the end of the month.  It’s going to be a very full house, but apparently she’s an awesome cook so the food will be plentiful and good, yay!  The sister who’s going to grill me and make sure her brother isn’t a boy-toy to me will be there too.  Also I’m going back next week and will be staying there then too.

Leaving was awful.  We both wanted me to stay longer.  That’s where this is so hard.  You get there and you want to stay.  You get home and you want to go back.  You’re there and dreading leaving the whole time.  You send your itinerary to him and he says, “You should stay longer.”  I wish I could!  Right now I’m counting down the days til I go back.  So yeah, that sucks ass.

Anyway, Albuquerque has changed more than I thought it would.  For one thing, they have lots of restaurants now.  When I lived there, they had this huge deal where they didn’t want chain restaurants invading the city.  Uh, too bad guys.  You’re as chainy as Dallas now.  The service is much better now too.  I think that goes along with having corporations running things.  They are still lousy about keeping your tea glass from going empty though.  I’m a thirsty girl.  The traffic is worse too.  D’s mom said the drunk driving problem is getting better, so at least there’s that.  It’s still fairly ugly and boring.  There’s nothing to do but eat there.  Well, there’s touristy stuff, but I did all that when I lived there, and D has no interest in that shit.  He hates Santa Fe, but he’s a fascist conservative, so it’s totally enemy territory to him.  They have hemp stores, so you can see where that might pose a problem for him.  I’ll tell ya though, so you can stay in your hotel room and have lots of sex, that’s for sure!!!  Sorry, that was tacky.

Oh, I cried while boarding the plane home too and got front-row again.  A travel tip from me to you.

Before I start the update, I have a story.  I busted my ass yesterday on backwards crossovers.  Again!  I hadn’t fallen in around three months, so I figure I was due.  It was the same thing it always is – I brought my toe in too close to my heel, and the blades hit, and splat.  And these are dance blades.  There is no fucking tail on them, so I’m bringing everything in really close to be able to hit.  Dude, it hurt so fucking much.  I think I hit bone.  So yeah, my ass still hurts today and I’m sitting and walking funny.  I’m gimpy.  Miss Emily was cracking up.  I’m not sure why it amuses all the coaches so much when I fall.  My hope is that I usually look graceful or something, so when I fall it’s unexpected and laughable.  I’m sure that’s the opposite of true though.

Anyway, here’s the update.  We all went out on Saturday night for Man-Friend’s good-bye party.  I had a horrible stomachache beforehand, but was fine once we got going.  We went to a country bar to see this guy play that J likes.  He was good.  I realized that I had seen them once before with these guys, but it was before M-F and I got together.  We hung out with everyone for a while, and then went off on our own so we could just sit and be together.  It was nice.

Later, our Russian friend, S, told me, “You know he likes you, right?”  I was like, yeah, I know.  Then he goes, “You know he more than likes you, yeah?”  So I dragged S off to get more information which really just consisted of me telling him that I more than like M-F as well.  He was telling me that M-F is a great guy and all that, but I already know that too.  So we went back over to everyone else and S tells M-F that he thinks we should just get married already and start having puppies.  Oh my God.

The last song the band played was a slow one, and we danced.  Neither of us normally dances seeing as how we’ve always been choreographed for (my background is actually ballet), but we did it.  I’m telling you, it was the single most romantic thing I’ve ever done in my life.  I was completely melty.  It was all those things you hear, like it felt like we were the only two people there even though we were periodically jostled and all that stuff.  I’m not at all a romantic person, but I was oozy mush.

We ended up staying at J and L’s since they live a lot closer to M-F than I do.  We didn’t get much sleep for a few reasons that I won’t get into since I’m not tacky that way, ha, but key among them was that I had to have him home by 6:30 at the latest since his dad wanted to hit the road.  It was so hard to drop him off.  I was like, “Fuck this shit, I’m kidnapping you.”  He said they’d know where to find him anyway.  I was kind of glad his dad wasn’t out there because my hair was a disaster.

Driving home was awful.  I was crying and my hair was all crazy, so I had to look freshly released from the nuthouse.  I went back to bed when I got home.  Around the time I woke up, he woke up from sleeping in the car and we texted the rest of the day.  Then we talked on the phone that night.  That seems to be our routine now.  It’s a good thing I switched to unlimited texting!

Monday in stroking class, J and I did nothing but talk about M-F.  Seriously nothing.  It was bad.  We’re so sad though!  M-F said it sounded like a wake.  It felt like one too.  But J told me something interesting.  He goes, “Did he tell you he told his parents about you?”  No!!!  No, he did not tell me that!  Apparently his dad didn’t say much about it, but he’s generally quiet anyway.  His mom was excited though.  Hee!  He still hasn’t told me that though.  He’s so funny about that stuff. 

I think we’ve thoroughly hashed out M-F’s inability to express his feelings unless super-drunk, but he did tell me before he left that he does like me and that he would miss me.  Today I got a text that said, “I miss u”.  So sweet!  It means a lot to me for him to say it because he won’t say stuff like that very often.  So when he does, I think he really means it – it’s not auto-pilot.  I miss him too.  I have at least one crying jag a day, to which he says that I don’t need to be sad because I’ll see him again in less than three weeks.  It needs to go by much much much faster because this sucks ass. 

So for now, I’m trying not to eat my way through this.  I still have accomplished nothing around here, and in fact, my house is far dirtier than I’ve ever seen it.  The dog ate a hockey puck the other day, and there’s little bits of vulcanized rubber all over the place.  My OCD ass does not care at the moment.  I’m coachless this week other than for classes, so I’ve been a bit lazy with the skating as well.  I start with the new coaches on Monday, and I won’t be able to miss any days during the week because I now have either coaching or classes scheduled for everyday.  That should help!  Hopefully I won’t bust my ass again before I go to New Mexico. 

My grandparents are coming into town tomorrow to check out another retirement place.  My grandfather was ready for this move a long time ago, but my grandmother is reluctant.  I don’t blame her – I would HATE this.  That said, I think it’s the right thing to do.  My grandfather has macular degeneration and is going to need lots of help, and my grandmother has her health issues as well (they’re both over 85 years old).  They’ve just been so independent for so long that it’s got to be hard to face this.  Anyway, we’ll have a dinner thing tomorrow night at my aunt’s house and another one on Sunday at my parent’s house.  On Saturday they’re going to check out the place.  It’s not like a retirement home per se.  It’s like condos with different levels of assisted living.  Personally, I think it’s pretty fucking depressing even if it does need to be done.  I don’t want to die, but man, I don’t want to be ooolllddd.

My Saturday will be more fun than theirs I think.  I’m going to a dinner party with a bunch of skating people.  The party is being given by one of the adult skaters for a friend of hers who is in town.  Most of the people there are going to be pretty old (and by that I mean relative to our group – these people are in their 50s and we’re not).  So when things die down, we’re going to come back to my house for a real party, yay! 

Sadly, at my own party I can’t really drink much because on Sunday, I’m going shooting again.  I don’t think I’d do well hungover.  D and I were trying to figure out what kind of gun I would use this time, but we failed.  We’ve decided to just wait and see what they have.  All I know is I wasn’t thrilled with the XD, but I have no frame of reference, so what do I know?  He asked me what I didn’t like, and I said the noise and the kick.  He goes, “Well, that’s kind of going to be all guns.”  Oh.  I guess I have to get used to it then. 

So that’s my upcoming weekend in a nutshell.  Tomorrow is going to suck, I can tell already.  I only have seven lessons left with D, and I’m starting to get just sick about it.  It’s funny because everyone at the rink tries to put such a happy face on it – like, “Oh, Nick’s going to be your new coach?  You guys are going to look great together because you’re both tall and blonde” – that was the lady who’s having the party on Saturday.  For the record, while I am blonde, I’m not tall.  I’m just tall compared to most ice dancers.  A bunch of other people have told me that I’ll have lots of fun with Nick, which I know is true.  He’ll also be picky like D which is good.  I just don’t know if he’ll be as picky, but he better be!  I’m a perfectionist, but if my coach isn’t looking for it too, I’ll slack off.  I’m lazy like that.  That’s why J isn’t going to be my dance coach.  He looks for “good enough for an adult” (that’s not actually a quote from him, but he has more than once said that we don’t have to live up to the same standard as the kids.  Well, duh, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for it).  That just doesn’t fly with me.  Anyway, I’m glad this whole coaching question is taken care of because I had four coaches approach me today.  Sorry guys, it’s done!  I’d still move back to fucking New Mexico in a heartbeat if it were at all feasible though.  This sucks a great big ass!!!

Random thought of the moment:  I would love an omelette.  I’d want it to have bacon, tomatoes, mushrooms, and peppers.  Then I’d cover it in salsa.  On the side, I’d like pancakes with LOTS of syrup.  The irony of this random thought is that I weighed this morning and I only have three pounds to go, so of course after skating today, I did nothing but stuff my face.  I ate an entire bag of Pirate’s Booty.  An entire fucking bag, are you kidding me with this shit?  I also had two oatmeal raisin cookies, countless Reese’s mini peanut butter cups (I think it was a total of 12, jeezus), Starbucks, two big bowls of cereal, normal oatmeal, and yogurt.  I feel like I ate something else too, but I can’t think of it.  You may notice a lack of veggies there.  Oops, my bad.  The only proper meal that I ate was the oatmeal and yogurt at breakfast.  Everything else was very snacky.  Hopefully I’ll do better tomorrow, but I think sometimes you need a day of really crappy eating.  And you know what?  I could still eat some more today.  Yee-ikes!

Humorous Pictures
Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!

That title is specially for Avitable – so the portion of this post about boobs is dedicated to Adam.

I had a weekend full of boobies.  Friday night was J’s birthday, and the last thing we did for the night was go to a strip club.  I think it was called Silver City.  Anyway, I’m so sorry, but I was expecting much better boobs than what we got.  Some of the girls were kind of flabby with smallish tits which did nothing for me (or for D for that matter – we were critiquing).  The ones with big boobs either also had big asses or those really giant pancake type nipples.  Uh, no thanks.  (I’m sure that Adam at this point is going, “Gee thanks for the boobs post.  This sucks ass.”)  There were a couple that were cute with nice bodies and decent boobs, but they were few and far between.  The best looking one had a top on.  My question, of course, was this:  When these girls interview, do they have to show their tatas, and if so, are some of them told, “No, those will not see the light of day.  You will wear a top.”  We’ve decided that when we go to a strip club for part of D’s going away party, we will find a better one.  I asked my ex-husband to ask his dad for recommendations.  D was like, “I’m glad you can ask your ex these questions!” 

More boobs were seen on Sunday, but they were more dressed.  Man-Friend (stop laughing Adam) came over, and both of us were starving.  We also both wanted junky food, so we decided on shitty bar food, and therefore went to Hooters.  Okay, so my idea of shitty bar food is a cheeseburger.  M-F’s idea was far junkier.  We had chicken strips (fried and coated in hot sauce), shrimp (also fried and coated in hot sauce), onion rings (um, yes, also fried, but not in hot sauce), and M-F also ordered a Chili Cheese Death Dog with fries.  We had beer too (Coors Light for him and Corona Light for me – really, light beer?  Was that remotely necessary at this point?)  We told the waitress we were trying to get fat in one sitting.  I think we succeeded.  We ate everything except for three of the onion rings.  M-F was quite distressed, saying, “We left men behind.  You never leave men behind!”  I was like, “Dude, I am going to throw up from this as it is.  No more onion rings.”  As far as the boobs went, they were nicer at Hooter’s than at the strip club.  Of course they were supported by bras at Hooter’s, and I think they always look nicer in a bra – more shapely anyway.

Anyway, we went back to my house and promptly fell asleep with stomachs full of grease.  Needless to say, I woke up with a hell of a headache and needed to puke desperately, but couldn’t.  So I just stayed on the couch moaning while M-F slept some more.  Later we watched something on the Military Channel about the Israeli army which I think was really interesting.  They are not fucking around there, that’s for sure.  Oh, we also saw something on Animal Planet (I think) about the wildlife around Chernobyl.  That was fascinating.  I was expecting the area to be completely dead and devoid of life, but you would not believe how green everything was.  Nature will win out, that’s for sure.  When we got up this morning, I still wanted to yak, but didn’t.  This is how I keep up the super-long non-pukeage streaks – a complete inability to barf even when I really want to.  I refuse to stick my fingers down my throat to help out.  That’s just cheating and can ruin a perfectly good streak.  My poor tummy just does not know what to do with shitty bar food, but I’m feeling much better now.

Now for some skating stuff:  I have made a coaching decision.  I’m going with Nick Traxler for dance (you can google him – I’m not linking because nobody from the rink needs to find this site!  They all think I’m sweet and innocent, heh!) and J for Moves in the Field.  I need to take a bunch of Moves tests, and he’s really good at explaining them and correcting them.  I just can’t use him for dance because of the partnering.  He freaks me out.  So D is going to talk to Nick for me.  I just couldn’t take all the questions anymore, and it was really uncomfortable for me to know other coaches were going to approach me, especially the ones who aren’t even dance coaches (I was told this was about to happen).  I was like, wtf?  You can’t teach me this stuff.  Toepicker, whatever.

I was trying to get my pictures of my shooting target on here, and I can’t get them to be small.  They’re like huge, where you’d have to scroll sideways and up & down.  What a load of crap!  I’m soooooo pissed off right now.  If y’all know how to fix this, will you let me know (in small words since I clearly suck)?

I’ve been running all over town today.  First I had a Longaberger cult meeting.  I spent the whole time texting with D about boobs, so don’t ask me what’s new in Longabergerland.  Well, not the whole time, but enough.

After that, I went over to Abby’s house.  She just moved here and is the daughter of a family friend.  Her sister, her mom, and my mom were also there.  Her 80-year-old grandmother also came over.  Her name is Jimmie, and she has a more active love life than the rest of us combined.  That was pretty entertaining.  I also got to see the magic of a normal mother-daughter relationship.  It just fascinates me.  I know they’re not perfect all the time, but it was stuff like being able to disagree with their mother and not get their heads ripped off that really made an impression.  For instance, Libby bought Abby a couple of rugs to see if they would work in the house.  Abby and Ashley didn’t like them, so they’re taking them back.  No big deal.  My mom would’ve taken it as a personal affront and made me feel small and icky for wasting her time and thinking her taste sucks it and she must be a horrible person because of it.  It was quite refreshing.

I’m doing another hair show on Tuesday, but my hair has already been cut and colored for it.  For this one, I have to wear weird clothes and do the runway thing.  My music is that “Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol.  I have to shake my hips on the “more more more” part.  Cue the laughter because … what hips???  I’m wearing this little black strapless top and red and black plaid pants with little buckle things hanging off them.  My hair will be just bizarre.  We’re taking pictures, but considering I’m a dumbass, who knows if y’all will get to see?  All I know is because I’m willing to put up with this humiliation and get my hair cut like Hanoi Jane’s AGAIN, I am the best friend ever.  EVAH!  I just hope the pants still fit on Tuesday because D told me I need to eat more.  He said I look like I’ve been in a concentration camp which is total bullshit because I still have five pounds to go (though it could be seven now since I’ve done nothing but eat since he said that).  And for the record, I am nowhere near that skinny regardless of the poundage to go.

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