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I have a migraine which has exactly two hours to go away so I can start getting ready for the party I’m going to tonight.  Have I mentioned this?  I don’t know what I’ve said lately.  Anyway, I was supposed to go to Houston and spend a couple of days and New Year’s with Shana and Tony, but what with being sick and all, I decided not to subject myself to all that time in the car.  Plus I didn’t have a place to board the dog.  Shana said to bring him, but they don’t have a fenced yard, so … I decided not to go.  It’s probably a good thing because I’m still fucking coughing up a damn lung.  I think it’s what has caused this headache.  It’s a very big nasty cough.

Okay, so rather than getting to go to Houston and hang with friends, I am going to my ex-husband’s New Year’s party.  Aren’t they lucky to be graced by me and my hack?  There are a couple of reasons I want to go, one being that I can hang out with my kid this way, and two being that I do like the New Wife.  Plus he has good parties, so it should be fun.  Most people who have heard my plans think I’m nuts, but since I am nuts, I don’t care.  I’m not sure I want my Man-Friend to know where I’m going, but he’s out of commission and hasn’t asked what I’m doing, so I’ll just not mention it.  I doubt it would bother him anyway – at this point he’d probably be happy that I’m getting out of the house.  (I just re-read this paragraph, and quite frankly, Man-Friend isn’t coming out sounding so hot here.  I should clarify that he’s out of commission because he’s very very very far away visiting his family.  Although I must say, I personally think he should at least ask what I’m doing.  Then again, I haven’t asked him either!  I suck.  Which is why he likes me, hahaha.)

All righty then … this headache really needs to go away because I cannot stand the thought of sitting around this house anymore.  While sick, I have watched the following movies: Selena, Beerfest, The Princess Bride, My Best Friend’s Wedding, The Wedding Planner, Sixteen Candles, Factory Girl, Moulin Rouge, Singles, Friends with Money, and probably half a dozen more that I just can’t remember at the moment.  It cracks me up that I watch all those wedding movies since I have like zero interest in getting married right now.  I do like romantic comedies though.  What can I say?  I’m a girlie girl.  I haven’t played Rock Band since I got home because I’ve been too blah to set it up.  I’ve only played a little Guitar Hero because I’ve pretty much had a headache for two weeks, and I like my Guitar Hero LOUD.  You can’t play it quietly – that’s just stupid.  It’s like those kids who have to play an electric guitar without the amp on because their loser moms can’t stand all the noise.  Here’s a thought – if you don’t like guitar noise, don’t buy your kid a guitar.  The one day I did play Guitar Hero, I was working on the song I need to play next, which is “Lay Down” by Priestess.  I was pretty close to being ready to play it for real before I left town, but not so much now.  The good news is that Rock Band makes you play the red-blue chord a lot, so that’s gotten better for some songs on Guitar Hero.  Anyway, after the “Lay Down” disaster, I got retarded and decided to try to play some stuff on Hard.  Oh, it was nothing but funny.  Even on super slow, I just couldn’t move my fingers that way.  I wonder if there are some people who will never play above Medium?  That would suck because I’d like to play with Jason with both of us on Expert.  I need a few years I think.  After that, I went back to “One” and did the best I’ve ever done on that song which, sadly, is 78% on full speed.  If I slow it down to the next slower speed, I can get around 92%.  Still not ready for prime time.

Dude, I am all over the place paragraphically speaking.  That is some poor writing.  Back to the movies.  I had never seen Selena, and you know, I thought it was okay good.  Then again, I think J. Lo and I would be BFF if we ever met because of an interview she did on television when she was still with Ben Affleck.  She just seemed like somebody I’d hang out with.  My sister thinks she and Drew Barrymore would be BFF.  Drew Barrymore was my nickname when I was in my 20s.  I was kind of wild.  So yeah, I can see where Kim and Drew could be buds since I do like my sister.

I really liked Factory Girl.  I wasn’t sure if I would because I’m not a huge Sienna Miller fan.  That has changed.  She was wonderful as Edie Sedgwick.  The other thing I liked about the movie were all the earrings she wore.  They were freaking enormous!  Every time the scene changed, the first thing I checked out were earrings.

Beerfest is very funny.  I have a ping-pong table, and I’m going to have to play Beer Pong.  Overall, the movie has a ton of potential for drinking games.  Speaking of drinking games, Universal HD is going to run “Battlestar Galactica” starting Saturday night.  I love that show (hit my tv category, and mostly BSG will show up), so I’m going to geek out this coming weekend and watch it.  Even though I have it on DVD.  Whatever.  Marathons are fun.  Actually, I only have the first season on DVD as ex-boyfriend made off with seasons 2 and 2.5.  Fucker.  I think for BSG, you have to drink every time they say “frakking” or “oh my gods”.

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No, not a sado-masochist, just a garden-variety self-abuser.  I woke up at four in the morning with a horrible stomach ache.  I mean, I thought I might throw up, and I never barf.  Never!  I went back to sleep about an hour later, managing not to puke, yay, and finally rolled my old bones out of bed at 9:30 which is like soooooo late for me.  My stomach still hurts, but I’m watching the Food Network.  What is wrong with me?  Nigella is making something which involves white chocolate and whipped cream which are two of the things I ate yesterday, and two of the main culprits I hold responsible for my tummy ache.  I went to a baby shower that my mom was hosting, so I kind of had to eat the food.  She would’ve taken it personally if I hadn’t because that’s just the way she is.  Everything was delicious, but it was all creamy and rich and … ouch.

Well now Nigella’s got something going on with salmon topped pancakes (uh, yuck).  What happened to the chocolate and cream?  Where’d that go?  Apparently you have to pay attention to these shows.  They move fast.  Giada de Laurentis’s show is next.  I like that one, but I love Italian food, so there’s no surprise.  I heard she’s pregnant.  I think I was watching TMZ or something when I heard that.  There’s a show that’ll make you feel dirty.

I kind of feel sorry for celebrities sometimes.  I’d hate to be subjected to the level of scrutiny that they are.  Honestly, how they make it through an ordinary day with people following them around snapping photos, I don’t know.  I think I’d have to hire people to go shopping for me, or else I’d do it all on the internet.  I’m too shy to be a celebrity anyway.

Ah, I found the chocolate – it went into a white chocolate peppermint dessert thingee for Nigella’s party.  It had nothing to do with those weird salmon pancakes.  Sorry, that was random.

I finally gave in and ordered Christmas stockings on Friday.  I was going to make them – I have one that’s about 70% finished, but it’s impossible to work on it with the dog.  It was mostly made (like 69% finished) before I got the dog because he gets all up in the middle of everything I do.  For instance, right now, he’s standing on the couch with his face down in front of my monitor.  When I’m trying to needlepoint, in addition to having his face slobbering all over my project, he tries to eat the thread.  I think he’s part cat.  I wonder if he’ll ever outgrow this need to be involved in everything I do?  It drives me batshit loco.  He even follows me into the bathroom.  Eeewww!

Now I’m hungry.  Urgh!  I wish I had the stuff to make the salad that Giada’s making.  That looks good.  And there’s no lettuce in it, so it’s awesome!  It was cherry tomatoes, cucumber, cornbread, basil, lemon zest, olive oil, lemon juice, salt, and pepper.  Oh, and Fontina cheese.  Easy enough.  Even I could make that, and I don’t eat food that doesn’t come straight out of a package.

One last thing and then I’m going to shut up and eat some oatmeal – I went to Starbucks yesterday, and I tried the sugar-free syrup Gingerbread Latte (also it was soy, no whip).  Gross.  I added two Splendas to it, and it was still nasty.  Never again!  I don’t know if it would be good with sugar syrup.  I’m going to make coffee at home today.  I have no intention of leaving this house until tomorrow!

I just watched Pushing Daisies.  I loved it, loved it!  What a wonderfully weird show.

Weird stuff I can do:

1.  I can roll my tongue over on both sides.  I’m working on a new trick where you keep your mouth closed with your tongue out and roll it from all the way over on the one side to all the way over on the other side.  It’s supposed to look like your tongue is spinning.  I’ve not quite mastered it.  It’s a lot harder to do all that rolling with your mouth closed.  Oh, I can also make my tongue look like a five-petaled flower.

2.  I can do the splits.  See what good girlfriend material I am?

3.  I can do cartwheels, handstands, and backbends.  I will be 38 years old soon, so please, you should be so impressed.  Today my little girls at the rink got me to do a handstand where my legs landed on the high part of the skate counter (like where my knees were bent and my calves were on the counter).  Then you’re supposed to pick up your hands and hang for a “handless handstand”.  One small problem – I’m about a foot taller than these kids, so my head was on the ground.

4.  I can rub my tummy, pat my head, and wiggle my tongue back and forth all at the same time.  Yep, more tongue tricks.  I seem to specialize in tongue and age-inappropriate gymnastics.

5.  I can be completely, totally, and actually overly full, and yet still find room for dessert.  Dessert goes in a different part of your body than regular food.  Perhaps a dessert pocket?  I can, in fact, be sick to my stomach and still contemplate what to eat.  When I was in labor, I was thinking about the strawberry shortcake I had eaten earlier that night.  I wanted somebody to go get some more.  I really love food.  Particularly pie.  I think part of the reason I loved Pushing Daisies so much was because the guy was a pie maker.  I got to see a whole lotta pie.  Yum!

Weird stuff I cannot do:

1.  I can’t raise just one eyebrow.

2.  I can’t wiggle my ears.  My sister can though.  Trust me, it cannot be taught.  Unless she’s sabotaging me so that she can be the only one in the family to have wiggly ears.  Scandalous!  Both of our noses wiggle up and down when we talk.  I crack up if I’m watching her talk from the side.  The tip just goes up and down like crazy.

3.  I can’t reach one arm behind my back and the other over my shoulder and touch my hands.  This frustrates me to no end.

4.  I can’t sing.  That in and of itself isn’t weird.  The sounds that emerge from my mouth are.  Oh, it is so bad!

5.  I can’t hear without glasses or contacts.  Not like I totally can’t hear – it’s just my ability seems lessened without good eyeballs.  I don’t think it’s a lip-reading thing because I can hear fine with corrected vision when I can’t see your face (like you’re in front of me talking over your shoulder).

6.  One more even though it makes my lists uneven and that will annoy me … I can’t bend my top thumb joint backwards.  My thumbs are ramrod straight.  A friend in college, Carrie, once tried so hard to make my thumbs bend back that she almost broke them.  I was screaming bloody murder, and she was like, “They have to go back.  THEY HAVE TO!!!”  Uh no, they do not have to.

I’m going to tag this as a game so other people can play too!

I woke up to shit stew in the dog’s crate again.  *sigh*  Needless to say, after everything was cleaned up, we went to the vet.  He just has a bacterial bug, so he’s on an anti-diarrheal, an antibiotic, and he had a couple of shots to slow his gut down (in the words of the vet).  Since we got home, he hasn’t done much but sleep, so it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t feel good.  It’s kind of weird though, because yesterday he was full of energy and seemed fine.  I feel so bad for him!  I wish I had taken him in on Wednesday.  Yep, worst dog-mommy ever.

A couple of things were better today – there wasn’t as much poo in the crate and my cleaning method was significantly quicker.  One thing was much worse.  The dog had poo all over him.  As my dear munchkin would say, “The yellow lab turned into a chocolate lab.”  Gross.  It was even on his ears.  His ears!  How, Mr. Dog, how???  He’s all clean now, and he smells so good.  I love his shampoo.  It’s got oatmeal in it.  And baking soda.  Mmmmm.  It’s like cookies.  Sorry, I’m going to ruin the cookie story now – another bad thing is that the trash came yesterday, so the poo stuff that went into the garbage today is going to sit in there for a week.  Ick!

Anyway, I missed my skating lesson since I was at the vet.  That kind of sucks since it was going to be my last day in the old skates.  I really felt horrible about cancelling because my poor coach has borne such a burden from me this summer with all the freaking drama.  We’ll make up the time on Monday, so it’s not like he’s losing any money, but what if he had plans for the money from today for the weekend?  I know when I was twenty-three that if I didn’t get money I was expecting, it could screw my plans up.  Maybe he’s better at financial planning than I am.  He probably makes a lot more money than I did at that age too!  I asked him to please not fire me.  Seriously, coaches fire students!  They get sick of the bullshit and they fire their kids.  I fear that.

So what did I do today?  Well, I got all caught up on “Tori and Dean: Inn Love” (gak, I am sooooooo ashamed of myself!!!).  To make up for it, I’ve got the History Channel’s “The Universe” on.  That webpage sucks, so I’m not linking to it.  Not that I’m paying attention to the show since I’m blogging at the moment.  Hopefully I’m picking up something by osmosis.  I’ve kept an eye on the dog as well.  I haven’t put on makeup, god forbid.  I ate crap (Mike and Ikes).  No wonder I’m a big ol’ moo cow right now.  Oh, and I ordered two dance skirts.  I also have not worked out today.  It’s hard to go upstairs and get on a treadmill when you’re worried the dog will crap all over the place though!  I’m thinking about taking a nap now.  That’s pathetic.  I better do a long walk tomorrow to make up for all this!

Skating is not going so well this summer.  I’ve been out of town too many times, injured too long (right ankle and knee), and just in general lackadaisical about the whole thing.  However, today my outside edge transitions were a little better.  On the left side anyway.  I have a tendency to torque myself around on everything.  It’s from having a dance background – dancers have to create momentum.  Ice dancers and skaters in general, on the other hand, just have to change their momentum.  My body has been trained for so long to create momentum and I’ve been having a really hard time with the concept of not doing so.  Frankly, I don’t understand the concept at all.  I don’t get how to not take my upper body with me everywhere I go.  I can’t think about it anymore today though – I will simply go crazy.  Poor Coach is about ready to beat me up over the whole thing.  I don’t know how many other ways he can explain it!

 Anyone watching “Flipping Out” on Bravo?  I love it.  I’m pretty OCD myself, but I’ll tell you, whenever I find myself mentally agreeing with one of Jeff’s psycho moments, I’m like, hold on there!  He’s nuts.  I work too hard fighting OCD behaviors to start agreeing with them.  Of course, I can really understand wanting everything to be just so.  It’s just you can’t expect everyone else in life to get it or care that much.  Because does it really matter if all the seams on the towels face inwards?  Gosh, I sure thought so until I had a munchkin.  Then I realized I didn’t have time to care about towel seams.  Kitchen cleanliness I had time for.  Towels, not so much.  That doesn’t mean I’m not annoyed when I pull an inside out towels from the pile though.

But I digress.  We’re talking about skating today.  Last night, when I was at my softball team meeting (I know that sounds nothing like skating, but it’s a team of skaters called The Zambonis), I realized why I have such a problem being motivated with my skating.  I don’t have anyone to compete with.  There aren’t any other adults doing ice dancing that skate when I do.  There’s one that skates at like five am, but no thank you very much – plus she’s way ahead of me.  Anyway, when I played hockey, if we were told to do Herbies (skate from the goal line to the near blue line and back, then to the center line and back, then to the far blue line and back, then to the other goal line and back), I could race people.  It was extremely motivating.  In dance, there were a ton of people to compete with whether it was for parts or just to be told “good job” on a certain exercise or whatever.  At the rink, I’ve realistically got nobody but myself.  And myself is a lazy butt.  Anyway, I figured this all out when I was told that we’d be seeing which girls could throw the most accurately to see which ones of us were going to play bases and which were going to the outfield.  I thought, “Oh, it is ON bitches!”  I will not find myself stuck picking clovers in the outfield.  It was nice since it’s been awhile since I’ve felt that competitive fire.  Then we were talking about batting.  I’ve decided I’m going to have a better average than my coach (not softball coach, skating coach.  See how much more possible that is now?).  I told him as much, oops, so I suppose that’s on now too.  Me and my big mouth.  I need to find a way to compete with myself.  Maybe that’s what that whole goal-setting thing is about. 

I’m watching Fox News right now, and they’re talking about the Rosie O’Donnell situation.  So did she really grab her crotch and shout “Eat me”?  That’s so tacky … and yet funny.  My take on Rosie is that she’s got some pretty nutty ideas, but she has a right to her opinions just like the rest of us.  ABC knew what they were getting when they hired her, so they had to know controversy would follow.  I’m going to watch ABC World News and see what they say tonight.

And now for something completely different: the housebreaking of the dog is about 10% complete, and I’m being generous when I say that.  We’ve hung a bell way low down from the doorknob to the backyard.  I ring it and say, “Outside” when we go.  The idea is that he’ll eventually ring it when he needs to go.  If that sounds insane, my sister has dogs that this has worked on.  Magnus rings the bell and then does nothing outside.  Or he won’t ring anything or cry at the door or fuss at all, and then he’ll pee right on the floor.  He’s a little better about fussing when he needs to poo which is why he gets a 10% grade.  He’s awesome at tug-o-war.  Tennis balls are a favorite toy, but he’s not returning them yet.  He knows his name and comes when called.  Oh, and he is just hysterical on the stairs, especially going down them.  He has a controlled slide down.  When he wants to get in his puppy bed, he tries to Superman himself over the side, but he really just belly flops over.  It’s greatness!  His paws are what get me – they are humongous.  They look really goofy next to his head.  He’s also an excellent chewer.  He likes to go after my feet, and yesterday he got my boob.  Ouch!

Skating stuff:  I learned forward inside rockers today.  I like them!  But they’re an inside edge thing, so of course I do.  I’m getting a bit of a skid on the right foot one; the left one is a little cleaner.  I also learned a swing Mohawk.  That ones pretty tricky.  We were doing them with a forward outside swing roll, then change the edge to an inside, then do the Mohawk.  The change is tricky in that I have trouble checking and getting my hip under, so it’s taking me too long to make the change and then turn.  But I have a starting point, so that’s good.

Stock market stuff now: I don’t know why people keep yapping about this bull market and an overdue correction.  We are at record levels, yes, but we only recently got back to where we were seven years ago.  So while technically we may be in a bull market, I think they’re kind of going against the spirit of the idea of a bull market.

I’ve been watching “Dancing with the Stars”.  What is wrong with me???  I guess what this means is that I am an average American.  Hunh.  Average sucks.

Anyway, I will offer my commentary on the competition thus far.  The results show has started, and I have to say if Billy Ray Mullet Man doesn’t go, then people are dumber than I thought.  He has not one iota of dancing ability.  So we’ll see how that goes.  Who has surprised me?  Well, Heather Mills has.  I think her leg can be totally taken out of the equation.  Laila Ali has been a surprise as well.  I guess I just didn’t expect much grace with all that bulk, but that just goes to show I’m stupid.  She’s a boxer, and boxers are graceful and quick-footed, so I should have expected her to be good.  She’s more expressive than I thought she’d be though, that’s for sure!  Oh, and John Ratzenberger – not the best dancer in the world, but he can sell it!  He’s very entertaining.

 I thought the basketball guy would’ve been better, but he’s been clumsy-looking IMO.  Maybe his height is an issue.  I dunno, but he should go after Billy Ray.  I also thought Shandi would be better, but she looks like one of those girls who is still trying to grow into her body.  She needs to own it!  I’d trade any day for that leggy body except that I would be way too tall for ice dancing then.  Leeza Gibbons … blah.

Overall, I am very impressed with the stars.  They did an awesome job of casting!  For the most part, they’re elegant,and you can see that they’ve worked hard and that they care about what they’re doing.  Oh, hey, that problem Joey has with sticking his butt out?  I do that in ice dancing.  Duke calls it teepee-ing or running away from him.  He tells me, “navel to navel!”  Eeekkk, that is such a personal space invasion!

Okay, some fun skating stuff.  I fell yesterday like Superman.  It was spectacular.  We were in a hand-in-hand hold during Swing Dance (for all the ice dance patterns, see http://uqconnect.net/~zzbarneg/dancepatterns.htm) getting ready for Duke’s mohawk, and I tripped over my toe pick.  Nice one!  I went *splat* on the ice right on my front and slid about forty feet.  I am battered from knees to bodacious tatas, and thank goodness for them since they acted as an airbag and kept me from smacking my face on the ice.  See, there is some good that comes from being behind on my diet!  Once I lose the rest of the weight, I’m not going to have anything up top anymore, and ack, I’m not looking forward to that at all.  Anyway, Duke turns around with this horrified look on his face and was all, “Oh my gosh, are you okay?”  Well, yeah, I was fine.  I’m a tough girl – I used to play hockey.  Now this sucked because I don’t get pads in ice dancing, but I’m not about to let a little fall stop me.  So I skated down to the other end and was ready to go again, but Duke needed three laps of talking before he was ready to go.  He doesn’t like it when I fall!  I’ve been very lucky with my falls so far – I always get up laughing, and not everyone can say that.  I hope I always can.  So today I got up to go skate, and I was checking out the damage.  I’ve got a swollen looking spot on my left thigh.  Yep, that’s what I want – a swollen thigh.  Awesome.  Then there’s a tiny bruise on my right knee and a medium one on my left ribs.  WTF???  My whole left side feels like a train wreck and I’ve got nothing to show for it.  I can’t even go to hockey people and tell them about my great ice dancing boo-boo and show them massive bruising because there is none!  It’s like when you feel like crap, but your mom doesn’t believe you because you don’t have a fever.  I learned at a very young age to heat up the thermometer on a lightbulb.  It heats up super-fast, so you have to be careful.  A slight fever is best so that you don’t draw any suspicion.

I took a cardio and core class tonight with one of the trainers at the rink.  I had to run sprints and run up and down the stairs.  Hello, I’m 37 years old!  It was fine though – I was only about a half-step behind on the sprints, so I felt okay about that (unless those kids weren’t running full-out, in which case I’m going to have to kick their asses!).  The core part was really difficult but I did all right.  The only thing that I just could not do for crap was this exercise where she had us sit under the ballet barre with our backs on the wall, hold the barre with our hands, then lift our legs straight up in front of us about six inches off the floor and beat our legs together.  That’s right, go ahead and try it!  Apparently, I don’t have that muscle.  All in all, I was very happy that I’ve been doing Pilates tapes at home! 

Back to TV – Billy Ray is not going home.  That’s it, America is officially full of idiots.  Of the current bottom two, Paulina and Shandi, I think Shandi should go.  Paulina has potential if she would just relax.  Dammit!  It was Paulina.  That’s sad.  Disappointed!  She probably wouldn’t have lasted too much longer anyway since there are some really talented people on the show though.

 All right, I’m gonna shut up now.  G’nite! 

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